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WHAT THE HELL IS ATTITUDE?    By Bob Myers

28/5/2014

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A builder told me he didn’t like the attitude of a third-year apprentice on his payroll. That statement didn’t give me any idea of what the issue was and, if that was said to the apprentice, I’m sure he wouldn’t know either. So I asked the builder what he meant. Apparently the apprentice often took the ‘near enough is good enough’ approach to his carpentry and dismissed the builder’s criticisms about quality as ‘being too fussy’. Part of the builder’s annoyance came from knowing the apprentice had the skills and knowledge to do better, if he just took a little more care.

An attitude doesn’t exist in isolation; it is an attitude towards 'something', which can be a particular object or person, or just life in general.  An attitude comes from beliefs, values and feelings and is expressed in actions. The attitude towards something in the immediate situation comes from beliefs, values and feelings about that particular thing, from whatever else is happening in the person’s life right now; and from the person’s deep-seated beliefs, values and feelings about life in general. Attitude is therefore complex. 

It seemed to me that the builder was referring to two attitudes. One was the attitude towards the quality of the work and the other was the attitude towards authority. In the early 1990s, the workplace adopted what was called Competency-based Training. To obtain a job, prospective workers needed a certificate that verified they were competent in that role. To get the certificate they had to be deemed to have the skills, knowledge and attitude to perform certain tasks in a range of circumstances.

Training organisations developed programs that detailed exactly what skills, knowledge and attitudes to pass on so the students got the certificate. It all looked great on paper but there was a major problem.  It’s relatively easy to teach someone of average intelligence the skills and knowledge needed to do a job, but it’s impossible to teach attitude. We can teach about attitude but a person’s attitude develops from within, and attitude determines the quality of what we do, whether the task is to join two pieces of wood or establish a relationship.

Part of the problem is that skills and knowledge are directly related to the task at hand but attitude is a combination of general beliefs, values and feelings. A person can have the skills and knowledge to produce quality results but has a toothache, or is running late for an appointment and can’t be bothered about quality.

Culture  is a major factor in regard to performing a task and may greatly affect the quality of the outcome. A person may have the skills, knowledge, and desire to do something well, but this may not be enough to overcome deeply held beliefs and values pulling them in a different direction. No matter what position a person holds and no matter how competent that person normally is, deeply held beliefs, values and feelings can suddenly surface and affect the quality of work or relationships.  

Broadly speaking, quality outcomes are either motivated by the desire to gain external rewards or internal rewards. The first could be called a strategy for a purpose, and the second could be called a spiritual necessity: material gain versus a sense of satisfaction and pride from a job well done, and this increases self-esteem.

Most people act from either of those motivations, depending on the situation. However, the emphasis in the work situation seems to favour attitude as a strategy for achieving a goal. Being polite and helpful in discussing differences then reflects beliefs and values about money or keeping a job, rather than caring about people or relationships. Being polite and helpful may quickly cease and the people involved can become embroiled in a bitter conflict over a relatively small matter. However, if the politeness and helpfulness was reflecting deeply held beliefs and values about human relationships, there would be little chance of disputes getting out of hand. Winning a point  is then less important than having a good relationship with other workers. 


Photo: Replica submarine in South Australia.

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HAPPINESS REALLY IS OUR CHOICE.  By Bob Myers.

26/5/2014

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Peace and happiness isn’t about being free from pain, suffering, disputes or conflict. Peace and happiness depends on the quality of our relationship with other people, with the environment and with the cosmos. The good news is that peace and happiness increases as we become more aware of our true place in the scheme of things and work to preserve it. The pain and suffering, disputes and conflict that can be part of everyday life then becomes easier to cope with.

People gain awareness of this in various ways. Some gain it through religion, others through science and some gain it through everyday experience. Many would probably say they gained it through a combination of all the above. But regardless of how it happens, the awareness is of peace and happiness increasing as we improve the quality of our relationships.

Most human spiritual and social development is the result of reflecting on the consequences of what we say and do; what others say and do; what happens in our environment; and on cosmic events. However, the direction our development takes depends on what we centre on as we reflect on these things.  Choosing what to centre on is crucial to the quality of our relationships and is a decision that needs to be made many times each day, for as long as we live.

Each decision comes at the junction of two possible paths. One path leads to the enduring peace and happiness that continues even though there may be trouble and strife. The other path leads to instant pleasure and temporary relief from life’s problems. Everyone comes to these junctions and must face the same decision many times every day throughout life.

The choice is to centre on our own needs, or to centre on the needs of the relationship. Regardless of whether the ‘other’ is a person, the environment or the cosmos, centring only on our own needs is at the expense of the other and damages the quality of the relationship. The consequence of that damage may not be immediately apparent, but it does exist. The next junction reached may be only seconds away, where we again have to decide between increasing the damage done at the previous junction or take the other path.

Nature and the cosmos are very forgiving and will allow us to simply start again at each junction throughout life. However, other people at each junction have a choice. They may allow us to simply start again; they may impose some condition before resuming the relationship; or they may terminate the relationship. The quality of our relationships, and therefore our happiness, really is our choice. 



Photo: North Island New Zealand.


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WHAT IS LISTENING?

5/5/2014

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I find that many people quickly become bored reading about communication, even though good communication is the most important skill we need for forming and maintaining good relationships. Communication and conflict resolution relies heavily on both talking and listening but since I may only have a short time before losing your attention, I will give just one example in answer to the question, ’What is listening?’

I want you to imagine your life is in danger and you have been sent to see a man who has an important message for you. You believe your life depends on understanding his message. He unfortunately has a speech impediment and, for that reason, many of his words are impossible to understand. Then you discover he can’t write.

How would you listen? I imagine you would listen intently to the few words you can understand. You would listen to the pitch and tone of his voice, and quickly discover you have the senses of smell, feel and sight to listen with. In order to save your life, you would watch every facial expression, hand gesture and body movement. You would take note of his emotional state and anything your senses picked up as a possible clue until you believed you completely understood the message.

However, you would not then take a chance on how accurate your understanding is and just walk away. You would seek to confirm with him, as best you could, what your understanding of the message is; which he can then confirm or deny. You would continue to seek understanding and checking the accuracy of that understanding until you did get it right. That is listening.



By Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT.

15/4/2014

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Conflict is inevitable, even in ‘love relationships’. Resolving conflict can be difficult, even for people centred on improving the quality of a relationship. It’s difficult because the urge to win or to get even for past wrongs is so much a part of our culture. We need to acknowledge that we are under the influence of these urges whenever we are faced with conflict but also be aware we can counteract that influence. 

It’s much easier to resolve a conflict or solve a relationship problem when we start from the cosmic viewpoint that all humans are equal and think about how that should affect what we say and do. When a relationship is grounded in equality, the people involved will centre on the problem, or conflict, at hand, including the emotional effects and any material loss or damage that needs to be put right. In a relationship of equals, there is no competition; no desire to dominate or thought of retribution. However, as soon as one views the other as ‘the enemy’ and begins focusing on winning or seeking revenge, the chances of peacefully resolving the problem takes a nose dive.

Conflicts are more likely to be resolved peacefully when those involved share the same worldview and have common goals. Religious people should have the advantage in this, since they aspire to share the same worldview, but even religions are notoriously competitive on all levels of interaction. This applies from the level of ‘which is the one true religion’ upwards. And resentment over past injustices has lingered between religions for centuries. Even though organised religion has failed to lead the way in conflict resolution, it is possible for anyone to start the ball rolling in their own life.

Even if the other person in a dispute is intent on winning and therefore not interested in equality, any person who is grounded in equality, and centred on the principles of nonviolence, is in a strong position to gain a fair outcome, and turn an ‘enemy’ into a friend. Therefore, when faced with a conflict, the first thing to do is remember that equality is the true ground for human relationships, and then centre on obtaining an outcome consistent with that base.

Once you are grounded and centred, there are four guidelines to peaceful conflict resolution. It’s ironic that if these guidelines were used to guide communication between people in everyday life, there would be few negative conflicts to resolve. The guidelines for conflict resolution (or for avoiding negative conflicts) are:

·         Respect the other person.

·         Listen until the other person’s views are understood.

·         Be open and honest in sharing your own views.

·         Make agreements for the common good. (Seek win/win solutions)


Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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TEN POINTS FOR LIVING IN THE 21st CENTURY.

4/4/2014

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The global problems we face in this century can only be solved through global cooperation. For those societies that claim to believe in equality, that simply means putting equality into practice. I want to share with you the ten statements that I write about, and try to practice.

Enduring peace and happiness comes from constantly exploring ways to get the balance right between personal needs, other people’s needs, and the needs of the situation. The situation could be the home; the workplace; a community; a country; nature; or the cosmos. 

From a cosmic viewpoint, equality is the true nature of human relationships. We can use that constant to guide us in building and maintaining relationships and setting up social systems, such as law, education and health.

We use the word ‘violence’ to describe actions or events that cause harm. Therefore, anything that harms the true nature of relationships – by causing inequality – could be deemed to be ‘violence’.

People who are guided by the spirit of equality respond to violence by taking nonviolent restorative action.

Being equal does not mean being the same. Differences make us individuals. Most differences, regardless of extent, do not cause harm in human relationships. Our judgement of differences can lead to harm or to enhancement of relationships.

Inequality exists when individual differences are used to judge one person as superior in some way. In an adversarial society, such as ours, superiority is gained by competition or domination, or both.     

Human equality can be established and maintained by exploring the complementary nature of individual differences to get the right balance for meeting the needs of all those involved.  

The human need to achieve and the need for stability can be met by people striving for excellence and sharing the skills and knowledge gained with anyone who wants them. In that way, the whole group can develop together to whatever level any group member can achieve.

Studies consistently show a correlation between inequality and all social ills, so the success or otherwise of the policies and actions of those in positions of responsibility can be judged by whether they reduce or increase inequality.

People in positions of responsibility who are guided by the spirit of equality seek to have power with people and things rather than seeking power over people and things.


Bob Myers.






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My Writing Process

7/3/2014

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WHAT AM I WORKING ON?

I write about human behaviour in relationships; between people, with the environment and with the cosmos. And the effect that behaviour has on the quality of each relationship. I explore the lifelong struggle between the human need for belonging (love) and the need for individuality (status or importance). That means looking at the connection between spirituality and politics. Another way of putting is that I write about the spirituality of politics in everyday life, as distinct from religion. My aim is to express my views on this in terms that appeal to both religious and nonreligious people because of the real and proper need to keep religion and politics separated.

I have to somehow make sense of the world, and my place in it, while carrying the baggage that comes with being an accidental white, male, Australian, Christian. Each label adorns a separate bag of rules, customs, expectations, values and biases that hamper clear and objective thinking.

HOW DOES MY WORK DIFFER FROM OTHERS OF ITS GENRE?

My work differs from others of its genre in that it is about my journey of awareness, coupled with the need I have to put theory into practice. Thinking about the complexity of the human condition and human behaviour is difficult enough but my background in electronics has left me with a very real need to show how theory works in everyday life. In my books, I draw examples from the family setting to illustrate my points because we all experienced some form of family life that provided us with our early training in forming relationships and solving relationship problems.

Whatever our family setting was, it was where we began accumulating the baggage we now have to deal with as we struggle to become individuals who belong in relationship with other people, the environment and the cosmos.

What I centre on in each interaction with other people reflects the stage I am at in the struggle between my two needs; to belong and to be an individual.

WHY DO I WRITE WHAT I DO?

Even in my early teens I was drawn to read nonfiction books, mainly on culture or history. Then for twenty years I alternated between those and very technical books on electronics and physics, which may explain my interest in people and my need to understand how things work. However, I seem to have always felt compelled to understand people and life because my earliest memory of school was questioning what I was being taught about religion in year two of primary school. I questioned it but I still have a passion for studying religious and nonreligious belief systems.

My belief in the equality of all people has me wanting to describe a practical spirituality without religion. In other words, how to be an individual who belongs, no matter what belief system we were born into.

HOW DOES MY WORKING PROCESS WORK?

I don’t seem to have a set working process. Maybe that’s why I sometimes have great trouble writing. I hear of people who can write great long essays in a short space of time but I usually agonise over every word. Sometimes I just sit down and write whatever comes into my head about a topic and then go over and over it until I think it's right. Sometimes I think of a heading and a few main points that I later flesh out but writing is seldom easy for me.

However, writing about human behaviour is complex and usually requires a great deal of thought. For example; trying to work out the difference between consequences and punishment, or the connection between religion and spirituality. I find that walking is the best way to help me work through these sort of complex problems and that suits me fine because I walk for an hour every morning. I refer to my walks as my meditation time. 

Bob Myers.


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WHY DO WE FIGHT SO MUCH?

27/2/2014

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We fight because our culture taught us to fight.  We had no say in what we were taught as children so it’s not our fault that we fight.  However, each of us can do something about the way we handle disagreements now, simply because we have a choice.

Human behaviour is always complicated so let’s simplify it a little by comparing two couples born and raised in the same culture who are faced with the same conflicts in their relationships. Both couples live in a culture that measures success by wealth and power. Both couples are high achievers who want to do well in a society that idolises winners.

Competition and Domination are known as couple number one. These two are lovers who usually walk hand in hand and are seldom apart. Even when they are apart, they continue to flirt with each other. This flirtation can be a lot of fun but sometimes turns nasty, especially when Domination tries to control Competition by imposing revenge or punishment.

Couple number two is comprised of Cooperation and Equality. These two are also lovers who usually walk hand in hand but sometimes they enjoy spending a little time apart or walking separately, confident in the enduring strength and quality of the relationship.

Both of these couples face the same conflicts in their relationships and both are well aware of the guidelines for resolving conflict. The main difference is in the way each couple interprets those guidelines.  People living in a culture that glorifies winning are encouraged to centre on their own needs as they follow the guidelines and use them to gain an advantage over their opponent. Therefore, Competition and Domination have no problem keeping to the guidelines, even though they know their interpretation of the guidelines will result in one of them losing in some way. The four guidelines for conflict resolution are very simple:

  1. Respect your opponent.
  2. Listen until you understand your opponent’s point of view.
  3. Openly and honestly express your point of view.
  4. Seek solutions you and your opponent can live with.
 
Cooperation and Equality, on the other hand, try to centre on the relationship itself as they struggle to ignore the competitive influence of the culture they live in. Their aim is to find a solution to the conflict that will improve the quality of their relationship and strengthen it. They sometimes find it difficult to centre on the relationship itself but know they must guard against the training they received in early childhood to be competitive. They know that if they start fighting as they negotiate a solution, it’s because some kind of competition or domination has crept in and caused them to centre as individuals rather than remaining centred on the relationship itself.

People in competitive mode argue to determine who is right and who is wrong. There has to be a winner and a loser, so the aim is to win. Parliament works that way and so does the legal system. People in countless meetings across the country try to convince other members to vote for their ideas as they debate topics and sometimes an argument can become nasty. Over a lifetime, we witness countless movies and hear countless stories about people settling disagreements with the power of words and sometimes with weapons. It is all around us every day of our life so it’s no wonder we fall so easily into the adversarial way of settling a dispute. And it’s no wonder winning has, so far, been so important to us.

Instead of seeing conflict as a competition, we could change what we centre on so we see it as an opportunity to find a cooperative outcome that strengthens the relationship. 

The dynamics of this apply to conflict in any situation and at any level. That is why I use family situations in my book, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness, to promote cooperation and equality.  


Bob Myers.


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CAN CHRISTIANITY BE SAVED FROM DEATH?

29/10/2013

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By now, it must be obvious to most people that the Christian Church is close to death from a disease known as irrelevancy. However, death can be avoided through changes that engage the church in the problems faced by the general community. One way is for the clergy to go against the restriction on expressing political views and show all members of the church how they, too, can express their religious views to anyone, on any political issue. The church should not be bullied into being silent about politics because submitting to this bullying is a major cause of the present irrelevancy of the church.

It’s rather strange how voters accept that it’s OK for a politician to vote on issues according to party political views, but it’s not OK for a politician to vote according to denominational religious views. It seems to be OK to put party politics above the good of the country, but it’s not OK to even express a viewpoint based on religion. As strange and unjust as this may seem, I doubt that it will change. Therefore, religious views have to be expressed in a way that is acceptable to the political scene.   

Politics is about who gets the power to make rules about how people should act towards each other, while maintaining a healthy economy. Amongst other things, religion is also about how people should act towards each other, while maintaining a healthy economy. However, there is a big difference between the two in regard to the base used for making social rules. To prepare people to speak out politically, the church needs to realise that the parliament already claims to accept the main message of Jesus as the base for making political decisions but doesn’t put it into practice. 

 A common theme in all the major religions is the principle that all people are equal and the constitution of most countries state that decision-making should be based on the equality of all people. Admittedly, that is not how the religions or countries actually operate but herein lies the great opportunity for the church to regain relevance, by reverting back to what Jesus was mainly on about; establishing the equality of all people as the base for society.   

Politicians have succeeded in getting us to believe we have a political view and a religious view and that we should keep them separate. However, if the church were to emphasise that the message of Jesus isn’t true simply because he said it; he said it because it is true. When people take that message as a truth; it becomes their belief and can be expressed as a personal political view, rather than justifying their thoughts by quoting scripture. In other words, the message can become their personal political views because their political views and their religious views are the same.

When our political views and religious views are the same - that from a cosmic point of view all people are equal - we can confidently comment on any issue in regard to politics and economics. And all the decisions we make, including the social systems we set up, should reflect that truth.

I can state what I believe to be the denominational view on an issue, or what I believe to be the party political view of an issue, but my personal view reflects both my political and religious beliefs because they are the same. If I say that my religious view is that all people are equal, but have no choice about living in a social system that perpetuates or increases inequality, I must at least attempt to reduce inequality in my own relationships. Maybe there will always be inequality but my focus should be on improving the social system so it moves in the direction of equality for all. For that reason, the only justification for being a member of a political party is to influence the party decision-making towards establishing the equality of all people.

Conclusion.

Can the church be saved from death? In its present form I don’t think it’s possible to save it. However, if it is willing to make significant changes, the church could extend its life indefinitely. The main change needed to become relevant is to lead by example, so the political and religious views of parishioners become subject to the principle that all people are equal. And since the church and the political system already agree on the truth of that base, each could hold the other accountable for putting it into practice. And the people could then hold them both accountable. Imagine the peace that would descend on the world if such a system became the norm in all countries.

For more information click here. 

By Bob Myers, an accidental Christian.



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CONQUERING LIFE'S CHALLENGES.

7/10/2013

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The common link for solving whatever challenge life presents you with contains a challenge of its own. You can overcome any challenge if you centre yourself, but the trick is to know what to centre on. The appropriate centre depends on the challenge. Below are five examples of challenges, with the main one being to quit smoking.  

A ballet dancer spins without getting dizzy because she practices centring her gaze on a fixed point for some time during each turn of a pirouette.

A golfer soon learns that thinking, “All I have to do is miss that tree,” almost ensures the ball will hit the tree because his mind is centred on the tree. What he should do is pick a point on the fairway that will give the next shot a clear path to the green.

In dieting, the high failure rate indicates a need for dieters to change what they centre on for success. Instead of choosing a preferred body weight, they should centre on living a lifestyle that will maintain their preferred body weight before and after the body weight is achieved.

Many people do anger management courses because they are coerced into it. These people do well in the course until a marriage is resumed or a court case is over and then slip back into the cycle of violence. These courses should centre on frustration rather than anger because frustration comes before anger. Centring on frustration points to the skills, knowledge, beliefs and values needed to reduce the frustration that leads to anger.

Now for an example from my life of what centring means and what happens when the chosen centre is appropriate to the goal. I was addicted to cigarettes for 39 years and during that time I must have attempted to quit a hundred times. But, when I centred my mind on something other than quitting, quitting became quite easy, so easy that it was weeks before my wife realised I wasn’t smoking.

In previous attempts I centred on being a smoker trying to quit, which was really centring on smoking. This time I centred on being a non-smoker, which means thinking and acting as a non-smoker thinks and acts. By centring on ‘I am a non-smoker,’ I found that the anguish of not smoking was almost non-existent. Other people tell me they had a similar experience when they made the decision to go cold-turkey.

Non-smokers don’t hang around smokers to get smoke in their lungs, and they don’t get irritable from not smoking. How many non-smokers get irritable about not smoking? Non-smokers don’t brag about how long it is since their last fag. A non-smoker doesn’t try to impress all and sundry by announcing that he hasn’t had a smoke for a week, and non-smokers don’t chew on lollies to take their mind off smoking.

I didn’t do any of those things either, and any such thought drifting into my mind was quickly shown the way out. How easily I quit by doing that is an example of what it’s like when the mind is comfortable with both the centre and the goal. There was a complete giving over, or conversion, to being a non-smoker and all of my self-talk reinforced my new identity as a non-smoker.

So, the first and most important step we should take to overcome any challenge is to choose what to centre on to succeed, and then practice positive self-talk every step of the way.
 
Bob Myers.


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A NEW WAY TO JUDGE OURSELVES.

29/7/2013

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Everything we do is to either gain something we think is helpful or to avoid something we think is harmful. A person either runs towards something or away from something. So if we want to sell something we have to convince a customer of the benefits to gain from buying or the bad things that will happen if they don’t buy. This ‘carrot or stick’ motivation is also used in attempting to change people’s beliefs or values.

We acquired most of our beliefs and values from other people during our childhood. This was a mixture of what they were taught in their childhood and whatever changes they made to suit their needs. All of this was what other people found helpful or harmful for them but times have changed and we have to look to the future in a very different world.

Like every other person before us, we face the conflict between our need to belong and our need to be an individual, but there are compelling reasons why we should change how we judge our self worth and self confidence as we face the problems of this century. By changing with the times, we stand to gain a resolution of our inner conflict and have happier relationships with other people. We could also avoid the inevitable disastrous consequences of an economic system based on continuous growth. We could do our bit to have a base of sustainable development adopted. Sustainable development: not sustainable growth.

We could judge everything by its effect on sustainability and by that I mean maintaining a balance of three equally important things:  a sustainable population level; a sustainable use of resources; and an economic system based on a smarter use of resources. Development is an important human need but it should result from a smarter use of resources while maintaining a steady economy and population level. Global cooperation is essential for establishing effective sustainable development and that means we need to treat the people of all nations as equals.

Instead of going along with our society’s adversarial competitiveness, this new base for judging our self esteem, self confidence and importance would be our level of skills, knowledge and performance in regard to sustainable development. And our cooperation with others to achieve this would bring a sense of belonging and dynamic peace to our relationship with people and with the environment.

Bob Myers.


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    Author

    Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
    Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

    Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.

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Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness is an ebook that helps you learn more about family peace, conflict resolution, self development, relationship building and more.
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