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GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT.

15/4/2014

6 Comments

 
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Conflict is inevitable, even in ‘love relationships’. Resolving conflict can be difficult, even for people centred on improving the quality of a relationship. It’s difficult because the urge to win or to get even for past wrongs is so much a part of our culture. We need to acknowledge that we are under the influence of these urges whenever we are faced with conflict but also be aware we can counteract that influence. 

It’s much easier to resolve a conflict or solve a relationship problem when we start from the cosmic viewpoint that all humans are equal and think about how that should affect what we say and do. When a relationship is grounded in equality, the people involved will centre on the problem, or conflict, at hand, including the emotional effects and any material loss or damage that needs to be put right. In a relationship of equals, there is no competition; no desire to dominate or thought of retribution. However, as soon as one views the other as ‘the enemy’ and begins focusing on winning or seeking revenge, the chances of peacefully resolving the problem takes a nose dive.

Conflicts are more likely to be resolved peacefully when those involved share the same worldview and have common goals. Religious people should have the advantage in this, since they aspire to share the same worldview, but even religions are notoriously competitive on all levels of interaction. This applies from the level of ‘which is the one true religion’ upwards. And resentment over past injustices has lingered between religions for centuries. Even though organised religion has failed to lead the way in conflict resolution, it is possible for anyone to start the ball rolling in their own life.

Even if the other person in a dispute is intent on winning and therefore not interested in equality, any person who is grounded in equality, and centred on the principles of nonviolence, is in a strong position to gain a fair outcome, and turn an ‘enemy’ into a friend. Therefore, when faced with a conflict, the first thing to do is remember that equality is the true ground for human relationships, and then centre on obtaining an outcome consistent with that base.

Once you are grounded and centred, there are four guidelines to peaceful conflict resolution. It’s ironic that if these guidelines were used to guide communication between people in everyday life, there would be few negative conflicts to resolve. The guidelines for conflict resolution (or for avoiding negative conflicts) are:

·         Respect the other person.

·         Listen until the other person’s views are understood.

·         Be open and honest in sharing your own views.

·         Make agreements for the common good. (Seek win/win solutions)


Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


6 Comments
Frank Agin link
16/4/2014 12:37:13 am

Bob, nice article ... much of what you say relies on being well rested and able to practice the fine art of "taking a deep breath," or counting to ten (slowly), or maybe both. As you know, the world has it share of people who simply not happy unless they are unhappy ... and they are usually unhappy about someone else (likely you or me or the next guy).

Reply
Bob Myers link
16/4/2014 04:56:35 am

Thanks for your comment, Frank. Yes, I agree and am usually happy to just let people be happy about being unhappy. The problem is that they too often set out to make others unhappy. To me, that then becomes a violent act.

Reply
Becky Kapsalis link
16/4/2014 10:55:29 pm

Thank you Bob. Your comment "Make agreements for the common good" is foolproof. Along those same lines I'm reminded of a book "The Four Agreements" by Dr,. Miguel A. Ruiz, MD His 4 agreements are:
1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.
I believe you and Dr. Ruiz have a lot in common. What a peaceful world we would live in if we could all be the example for peace.

Reply
Bob Myers link
18/4/2014 06:50:49 am

Thank you, Becky, for taking the time to leave a comment. I certainly agree with Dr Ruiz's points on agreements.

Reply
Barb Tessa Jamesson
18/4/2014 04:52:22 am

I would add these extra essentials to resolve conflict drawn from many years of dealing with people through consulting, teaching and mediation:
1. Focus on the problem not the people.
2. Use 'i' messages rather than 'you' messages which tend to be perceived as laying blame, and heard as accusatory.
3. Get to the 'real' needs and interests that underlie the issue.
4. Try to 'brainstorm' collaborative solutions.

Reply
Bob Myers link
18/4/2014 06:52:53 am

Hi Barb, Your experience shows in the points you make. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Reply



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    Author

    Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
    Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

    Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.

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