Many people find that using rewards and punishments as discipline can make a bad situation worse and may even damage your relationship with a child. Although your intentions are OK, the reaction of the child, particularly a teenager, can leave you devastated and bewildered. One way to avoid this is to discover what makes punishment different to consequences. It is then easier to understand how to share power with a child rather than trying to have power over a child. These ideas can help you respond to unacceptable behaviour and at the same time show by example how to calmly resolve a conflict.
The above is just a taste of what is explained in detail in Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.
- The most important thing you can do is practice using the four basic tools for establishing the trust that is an essential part of a quality relationship. The four tools are Grounded Love, Manners, Example and Centring.
- Remember to centre yourself before responding to unacceptable behaviour. Why? Because what you centre on will determine whether you get upset or stay calm. It will determine how you respond to the child’s behaviour and how the whole episode affects your relationship with the child.
- Tell the child the fairness and/or safety reasons why the behaviour is unacceptable.
- Show appreciation of the child’s good behaviour as well as disapproval of harmful behaviour.
- Children should be held accountable because they learn from the consequences of their actions and are more likely to repeat what brings good consequences rather than what brings unpleasant consequences. However, this is different to the lessons children learn from rewards and punishments.
- Instead of responding by punishing a child who deliberately acts in an unacceptable way, try to find out the reason behind the child’s action. Punishment can increase the behaviour rather than stop it. Centre on resolving the problem rather than on trying to control the child.
- If your child is being aggressive or threatening, remain calm and try to find out what is causing the aggression. After the problem is solved, make it clear that aggression is not an acceptable way to draw attention to a problem. In this way you are dealing with the original problem and holding the child accountable for an unacceptable behaviour.
- Always be aware that you are teaching your children by example. Aim to show them how to remain calm and manage anger in difficult situations.
The above is just a taste of what is explained in detail in Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.
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