Blog promoting the spirituality and practice of nonviolence and equality in relationships.

QUALITY AND QUALITY TIME.

20/4/2015

What is a quality relationship between people? Most people would recognise quality when they see it but very few could describe what quality means. Maybe that is why it’s often referred to as the ‘X’ factor.

The best quality relationship is an equal relationship but, since we live in a competitive society, equality can be rare or fleeting. For that reason, I believe a quality relationship can be measured by how much quality time is present in a relationship. And it’s much easier to describe quality time than it is to describe quality.

Parents spending quality time with their children is one example of quality time being spent between people with very different levels of responsibilities and power. Children need a sense of security and safety at all times and they usually experience that sense of security in the presence of a parent. However, in quality time, the strength and authority of the parent fades into the background as the parent and child become absorbed in status-free enjoyment of an activity or game. In quality-time, there is a mother-child-game oneness that is experienced as total enjoyment of each other’s company.

Adults can have quality time as equals when any status difference between them, or differences in responsibilities and duties, fade into the background as people exchange opinions, knowledge and skills as equals. People feel secure in the company of their peers and speak openly and honestly, which increases trust. The setting can be in a club, organisation, committee, and so on.

Legislators can have quality time when they allow party differences and status differences to fade into the background as they discuss policies or ways of governing. In a similar way, parents can have quality time together in a parenting group discussing how kids should and shouldn’t be treated, or discussing the parenting role in general.

A quality relationship in an unequal society doesn’t require a conversion to equality. But it does require that any necessary, or agreed, differences in duties, responsibilities or status mainly fade to black, so quality time can be spent between individuals who are equal as people.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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POWER, POLITICS AND PEOPLE.

18/4/2015

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Starhawk’s book, Truth or Dare, lists three types of human power. Power over, power from within, and power with.

‘Power over’ is the familiar power of politics, in which people try to gain a power advantage over people from other political parties, or even others in their own party. It is also manifested in everyday competition when people compete with each other for status and importance, or study with the aim of having more knowledge as a power advantage over others. The power-over attitude is the base for terms like family politics, club politics, committee politics, and so on.

‘Power from within’ comes from gaining the knowledge, skills and problem-solving ability that we experience as having the self-confidence to face the everyday problems of life. Every time we learn how to do something, it adds to our power from within. Power from within is also strengthened by having a strong sense of connection or belonging to other people and to the environment; knowing that we are loved and respected by those we love and respect.

‘Power with’ is the power of cooperation and collaboration with other people as equals. One example of power with is called ‘people power’, which is gaining strength now because of the widespread use of social media. People are joining together to influence the policy making of politicians and the behaviour of multi-national organisations all over the world.

Power with is also the power of love. When we mix nonviolence with people power we add the power of love to people power because nonviolence is known as ‘love in action’. Mob mentality can be incredibly violent and destructive, but the only thing ‘nonviolent people power’ aims to destroy is injustice. It seeks to reduce inequality to within the range that doesn’t upset the balance between belonging and freedom; or responsibility and freedom.

People who want to experience peace of mind in all interactions with others seek to have power with others as equals rather than power over others, and each movement towards equality strengthens their power from within.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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OPPORTUNITY.

17/4/2015

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Opportunity is closely tied to the three Reality Questions that both help and challenge people achieve their goals. The questions are: What do you want? What are you doing? What can you do?

The first question is about setting goals. The second question is about present and past efforts; and whether or not you have the ability to achieve the goal. The third question is about making plans to achieve the goal. You may have a goal, the ability and a plan but none of it works unless you have the opportunity to put the plan into action.

However, people who really want something will look for, and learn to recognise, opportunities in ordinary events and conversations, and tend to create opportunities, even if they don’t have the ability or a set plan. They look for ways to improve their skills and increase their knowledge so they can move a little closer to achieving their goal. They tend to talk to other people and openly reveal what they want to do because other people usually want to help if given the opportunity.

Sometimes the third question reveals a reluctance to look at what can be done today, or right this minute, to move closer to achieving the goal. If this reluctance continues, maybe it is a sign that there is a need to rethink the goal. Maybe the real goal is something associated with the original one and can be unearthed by asking another question, such as, ‘What was the benefit in gaining the first goal?’ The answer might set you on a completely different path and open up many opportunities.

A primary school kid I sometimes walked with on his way to school told me one day that he wanted to get sick. That was obviously a strange goal to have, so I asked him what he would gain from being sick. He said he wouldn’t have to go to school. I asked him what would be the benefit of not going to school. He said he would not be bullied if he didn’t go to school. The conversation was longer than that but his real goal was to be free from the bullying.

So, if you are procrastinating about what you think you want to achieve, maybe you need to adjust your goal so you will eagerly seek out opportunities to achieve it.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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NONVIOLENCE.

16/4/2015

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Many people argue that violence is a natural reaction to threats. This means we are born with that protective reaction and we are naturally violent. This dismal thought means we have no choice.

Nonviolence is difficult to define because it is not just the absence of violence. Some say it is the opposite of violence. It has been called ‘love in action’ and ‘the antidote of violence’. Nonviolence is a term that includes a large number of reactive and proactive ways of making a difference. It can bring about change as it heals relationships on the path to equality.

Nonviolence is an attitude towards other people that guides how we apply the ‘rules of behaviour.’ It defies violence and deprives it of victory. Nonviolence disarms an aggressor without using violence. Nonviolent discipline can be aggressively confrontational, and even take a zero tolerance stand in holding people accountable for their violent behaviour, without resorting to any kind of punishment. Imposing a punishment often sets up a cycle of revenge that prevents any worthwhile lesson being learned. People learn more effectively what acceptable and responsible behaviour is by experiencing the real consequences of their actions.

One of the great advantages of nonviolent discipline in the home, school or workplace is the distinction it makes between punishment and consequences. Nonviolence includes a long list of things under the heading of ‘Taking Restorative Action’ that can be used instead of imposing punishment. This is not just spin because ‘taking restorative action’ and ‘imposing a punishment’ are mutually exclusive opposites. We cannot think in both ways at the same time. However, you sometimes take restorative action, depending on the circumstances of a situation, because everyone is capable of thinking in both ways, just not at the same time. That is the choice we can make.

Parents can introduce kids to the ways of nonviolence in the very first year of a child’s life. School children can be taught the art of nonviolence from day one. And it's never too late to start yourself. It won’t always work in every situation because we are all influenced by the institutional, structural and social violence built into the culture we live in. Once we become aware of how our own attitude is affected, we can help children to be nonviolent in a violent world and, in that way, change at least their part of that world.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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MANNERS.

15/4/2015

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Manners seem so ordinary that it’s easy to forget how important they are, why we have them, and what we can achieve by using them.

It seems to be just a simple act, but as we teach children manners we are teaching them how to put into practice many of the values associated with equality.

Manners help protect people from feeling belittled, by making up for hurting someone’s feelings, or causing them some inconvenience, or for showing appreciation. In doing that, manners show respect and help maintain the sense of equality between people that is important for peaceful daily living. There cannot be peace without justice, and the ideal justice is equality.

In our hectic lives we scurry around like busy little ants doing what we need to do, and as we meet our own needs we sometimes disrupt others by wanting to go through the same door at the same time; or we need someone’s help; or we bump into one another; or we need space to pass someone. Manners tend to keep the peace in all that.

Manners are based on equality and the need for cooperation. As we teach our children to use these manners, we are teaching them how to show respect for other people; how to gain the respect of others; and how to strengthen relationships. Telling kids that manners are really about fairness, safety, helpfulness, consideration, and co-operation teaches them far more than simply to ‘do the right thing,’ or to ‘be nice.’ Manners lay the foundations for things like:

·         repairing damaged relationships;
·         realising how our behaviour affects others;
·         taking responsibility for our actions;
·         facing the consequences of what we do; and
·         appreciating what others do for us.

The most effective way to gain respect from others is to show respect to others. In some situations, assertiveness, example and manners can go together by saying, ‘I want to be treated the way I treat you.’

Respect can’t be ordered, it can be freely given or earned but it can’t be ordered. Manners are to do with the equality of human beings, so any preferential treatment shown to groups such as elderly people or pregnant women, is for reasons of health and safety, not simply because of age or gender.

When people do things that we don’t like, manners help us resist following any cultural script that says we should become angry and resentful. A cheery, “Oops, sorry” may be all it takes to avoid a nasty outcome as manners re-establish equality.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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LISTENING.

14/4/2015

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We might listen to people just to be polite. We might listen to gain some advantage, or gain knowledge we can use against the speaker. We might listen to find a weakness so we can rebut the speaker’s argument. Those are a few examples of self-centred reasons for listening to others, but too often we don’t really listen at all.
I read a book many years ago titled Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. I don't believe any of these things are gender based. Some of the reasons we don't listen are:

1.            We think that ‘to listen’ means ‘to agree’ with what is being said.
2.            We already know the answer to a problem and can’t wait to reveal it.
3.            We are afraid if we listen we might come to agree and have to change.
4.            We have to win every argument because we lose face when we lose an argument.
5.            We have slipped into the habit of letting our thoughts wander to other things.
6.            We are too busy thinking up what we are going to say as soon as we get the chance.

These reasons are all influenced by our culture’s obsession with competition, which has us trying to impress others or trying to be better than others.

Equality-based listening comes with an awareness of the tremendous influence our competitive culture has on human relationships and tries to counter it. Equality-based listening has to include respect for the speaker and the desire to understand the speaker’s message. Understanding can be checked by reflecting back to the speaker what we believe the message to be.

Seeking understanding might require us to recognise the beliefs, values and feelings of the speaker. It certainly includes accepting that the speaker’s beliefs, values and feelings are as important to the speaker as ours are to us. Seeking to understand does not mean that we agree with what the speaker is saying, or that we will adopt those beliefs and values as our own.

However, if we expect other people to be persuaded by what we say, we must set the example and be open to adjusting our beliefs and values when what we hear makes more sense than what we currently believe or do.

Respectfully listening to the speaker makes it more likely that we will be shown the same courtesy as we openly and honestly reveal our beliefs, values and feelings. It’s important for this to be a simple statement of what our beliefs and values are, and maybe the effect they have on our everyday life, but without implying that they are superior in any way to the beliefs and values of others.

Two-way respectful listening is a necessary part of effective communication between people who are equal but different.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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KIN OR KIND.

13/4/2015

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People who are of the same kin or the same kind as ourselves are not usually seen as threatening to us. The more alike we are, the more at ease we are with each other. And the more we like someone, the more we are likely to share what we have and do what we can to keep the relationship going. These are the people who, in general, hold similar beliefs and values to our own, that makes it relatively easy to believe in equality.

Believing all people are equal is one thing, putting it into practice is another. The real test of our belief comes when we are confronted with the needs of people who are very different to us. Discussing what should happen to people of different colour, beliefs, values and religion, when they break the law, compared to what we think should happen to people we know and like when they break the law.

When we are faced with the actions of criminals, terrorists, drug dealers or paedophiles, the belief in equality demands that they be shown the same courtesy and respect as anyone else. We may be disgusted by their actions but we have no idea how they came to be the way they are, or how many people failed to take the opportunity to prevent it from happening, probably without knowing it.

I once held a three-month-old baby who, given the right circumstances, had the potential to change the world for the better, and felt a strong urge to apologise to this beautiful little boy. From my experience of working with troubled families, I was aware that fifteen years from then someone like me could be holding him as he died from a drug overdose or a police bullet.

All babies are born into circumstances they have no control over, and are shaped by a culture and social system they have no control over. They are, and should be, held accountable for how their actions affect other people, because that is how we learn what is acceptable, but how much are they to blame for having the beliefs and values that guide them? How much responsibility should the culture and social system take for the way its children turn out? When a great achiever is being rewarded, many people are keen to reveal how they played a part in his or her success but how many step forward to admit to the part they played in shaping a criminal or a terrorist?

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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JUSTICE.

11/4/2015

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The usual symbol for justice is a blindfolded female holding aloft a set of scales. It symbolises that justice is blind and treats all who come before her equally. Rich or poor, black or white, high status or low status, all are treated equally.

That sounds great and certainly deserves the tick of approval from those who believe all people are equal. But does it deserve that tick of approval? Should justice remain blindfolded? Or does the word ‘justice’ demand that the blindfold be removed so the courts can become part of a justice system rather than a legal system? Treating everyone who comes before the court as equal can only be justified if the rest of society is equal. Treating everyone in an unequal society as if they are equal is an injustice and deepens the problems caused by inequality.

To a very rich person, a $300 fine can be paid out of petty cash but, to a poor homeless person, it could mean losing everything, even life. Treating black and white as if they come from an equal society, free of racism, is being blind to reality. A person who swindles millions of dollars from thousands of small investors may be sentenced to jail for a few years and come out to start a new venture to swindle more people. And in each case leave a trail of devastated victims.

The legal system could change to a justice system simply by changing what it is based on. Instead of being a system imposing punishments for crimes against the state, it could become a restorative system treating crime as being against people, and be centred on the effect the crime had on the victim. Consequences, not punishment, could be centred on reimbursing or compensating victims and on whatever is lacking in the community that may have played a part in causing the person to offend.

Some courts have tentatively played with what is called ‘restorative justice’, and some schools have adopted a version called ‘restorative practices’ but these are too often tainted by the influence of our culture’s reliance on punishment as the ‘natural’ response to wrongdoing. It seems that we need a much broader approach that can become the mainstream response to matters of justice. There are many options that I refer to under the title of ‘taking restorative action’.

In short, the blindfold should be removed from justice so the courts can be used to identify shortcomings in the social system and set an example for responding to wrongdoing.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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INDEPENDENCE AND INFERIORITY.

10/4/2015

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Independence is similar to freedom; it’s just an illusion. Independence and freedom imply that a person can survive and operate without any external assistance. However, no one is completely independent and no one is completely free. A lone person living naked in the wilderness is still dependent on interacting with the environment for survival.

Our need to belong and our need for independence is a lifelong struggle for all of us as we weigh up our feelings and responsibilities towards other people and the conflicts between their needs and our own. Independence is high on the list of values for most people but so is the desire to help others solve their problems. Both of these, sometimes conflicting, needs are strong and complex.

Catching fish and sharing your catch with hungry people is commendable but a better way by far is to give them a fishing rod and teach them how to catch fish. Giving people fish may lock them into their present feelings of inferiority and failure, whereas helping them be less dependent on others boosts their self-esteem and confidence. It moves them closer to equality with others.

People get the opportunity to achieve independence and self-sufficiency when we resist the urge to do things for them that they are able to do for themselves. Another way of looking at it is that we can help people become self-sufficient by teaching them the life skills they need, and giving them opportunities and encouragement to practice those skills.

Social welfare systems are necessary as a safety net for people who fall on hard times but a society genuinely based on equality would be focused on lifting people out of a dependent state before ‘living on the dole’ becomes part of their identity, which is much harder to alter.

There are five ‘parts’ to responsible behaviour, and these are:

·         Identifying the problem;
·         thinking up alternative solutions;
·         deciding what to do;
·         doing it; and
·         accepting the consequences.

In each of these we tend to rescue people, especially children, and may not even notice we are doing it. If we are aware of it, we may be surprised that it causes resentment rather than the expected gratitude. Resentment can come from people feeling inferior at being rescued, especially if there is already a general sense of failure from having lost a job, or whatever. There may also be some real gratitude at being rescued, but any resentment may cause further problems.

Having the ability to solve general day-to-day life problems is important for boosting self-esteem and confidence but it’s even more important to equip people to solve their relationship problems and encourage them to become interdependent rather than independent.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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HUMOUR IS A FUNNY THING.

9/4/2015

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Humour can lift us up, and grateful to the person who has given us a boost, when we feel down. People may respond by laughing out loud as it annoys and infuriates others to commit mass murder.

Humour can be gentle, encouraging and uplifting. It can also be harsh, confronting and powerful enough to bring down a dictator. Humour can be used to put people down or build them up.

Humour is about faults, short-comings, ridiculous behaviour, silly mistakes, the illogical, accidents (harmless and harmful), the grotesque and the unexpected. All humour about these things can be used in a way that divides people or unifies them. Humour can be racist, sexist, ageist, derogatory, and yet so funny that we are unaware that it may be, deliberately or unwittingly, leading us to stereotype people.

Blondes are stupid, Scottish people are mean regarding money. Irish people are illogical and prone to silliness, whereas the comedian’s own nationality is none of the above. However, even those who object to these sort of jokes don’t usually object when Scots tell jokes about the meanness of Scottish people, or the Irish tell Irish jokes. Steady Eddy is a comedian who tells incredible jokes about people with cerebral palsy but it seems OK because he has cerebral palsy, and he ‘normalises’ people with cerebral palsy by breaking down barriers.

Humour that has an underlying, sarcastic, political message is called satire. Satire may be aimed at being a reality check for politicians, and amusing to the general public, by showing up the silliness of some policies. Cartoonists are masters at using humorous caricatures and three or four words to amuse people as they make pointed statements on serious topics.

Humour can be confronting for those who believe in equality: do you laugh at it or do you denounce it for belittling whoever is the butt of the humour? It might be OK to do both. However, whatever you decide, it’s important to keep a sense of humour and not take our beliefs, whatever they are, too seriously. A sexist, racist or ageist statement can be funny between friends but the same statement might become an insult if the relationship sours for some reason. Fortunately, jokes about things like race, gender, nationality and domestic violence have become rare, at least in public.

So humour is a funny thing. It can be whatever the audience, or one person, perceives it to be and it can evoke responses ranging from a giggle to a massacre. Like everything we do, we need to consider the effect our actions have on those around us. Humour is like water and fire: each is of tremendous benefit but must be handled responsibly.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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Author

Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.

QUALITY AND QUALITY TIME.

POWER, POLITICS AND PEOPLE.

OPPORTUNITY.

NONVIOLENCE.

MANNERS.

LISTENING.

KIN OR KIND.

JUSTICE.

INDEPENDENCE AND INFERIORITY.

HUMOUR IS A FUNNY THING.

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