Chapter Twelve.
'Independence' and Reality.
Equality means every freedom is
restricted by a responsibility.
Independence.
Our need to belong and our need for independence is a lifelong struggle for all of us as we weigh up our feelings and responsibilities towards other people and the conflicts between their needs and our own. Independence is high on the list of values for most people but so is the desire to help others solve their problems. Both of these sometimes conflicting needs are so strong, and complex, that special laws are necessary to help us strike a balance between the two. We have laws to protect our privacy and laws about our duty of care for others but to guide us in everyday life we have to rely on our own sense of what ‘being a responsible individual’ means.
We all experience times, maybe at work or some social setting, when people want help to work out how they should act or how to do something. Or we may want to help someone become responsibly independent. Every parent has these experiences every day as part of the job of parenting so it is an ideal topic for using the family setting to explain the dynamics involved. For parents, this experience begins when we teach a child to feed herself, and supposedly finishes with the breaking away from home at teenage. However, it can go on for many years after that.
Every problem can be shared as we prepare a child for independence. However, to do the job properly, we have to give her the opportunity to gain experience in all aspects of decision making. Even very young children can be encouraged to make choices between two alternatives and be encouraged to think about what is likely to happen either way. Simple choices can be made long before children reach the so-called ‘age of reason’. Once the preschool ‘why’ questions start, they are ready for learning about the likely consequences of doing something this way or that way.
Children get the opportunity to achieve independence and self-sufficiency when we resist the urge to do things for them that they are able to do for themselves. Another way of looking at it is that we can deliberately help them to become self-sufficient by teaching them the life skills they need, and giving them opportunities and encouragement to practice those skills.
CHAPTER HEADINGS.
'INDEPENDENCE' AND REALITY ...........................................................220
INDEPENDENCE ................................................................................220
Letting go responsibly.
Discovering there is a problem.
Thinking up alternative solutions.
Deciding what to do.
Doing it.
Accepting the consequences.
THE TRUE GOAL OF PARENTING ........................................................228
COMMUNICATING WITH CHILDREN ......................................................229
Question: making a connection or intruding?
Avoid asking 'Why?'
Questions can stimulate thought.
Children ask questions too.
Do you argue or discuss?
THE REALITY QUESTIONS ...............................................................233
Helping people act responsibly.
What do you want?
What are you doing?
What can you do?
Varying the order of questions.
What if we don't like what we hear?
Using statements instead of questions.
restricted by a responsibility.
Independence.
Our need to belong and our need for independence is a lifelong struggle for all of us as we weigh up our feelings and responsibilities towards other people and the conflicts between their needs and our own. Independence is high on the list of values for most people but so is the desire to help others solve their problems. Both of these sometimes conflicting needs are so strong, and complex, that special laws are necessary to help us strike a balance between the two. We have laws to protect our privacy and laws about our duty of care for others but to guide us in everyday life we have to rely on our own sense of what ‘being a responsible individual’ means.
We all experience times, maybe at work or some social setting, when people want help to work out how they should act or how to do something. Or we may want to help someone become responsibly independent. Every parent has these experiences every day as part of the job of parenting so it is an ideal topic for using the family setting to explain the dynamics involved. For parents, this experience begins when we teach a child to feed herself, and supposedly finishes with the breaking away from home at teenage. However, it can go on for many years after that.
Every problem can be shared as we prepare a child for independence. However, to do the job properly, we have to give her the opportunity to gain experience in all aspects of decision making. Even very young children can be encouraged to make choices between two alternatives and be encouraged to think about what is likely to happen either way. Simple choices can be made long before children reach the so-called ‘age of reason’. Once the preschool ‘why’ questions start, they are ready for learning about the likely consequences of doing something this way or that way.
Children get the opportunity to achieve independence and self-sufficiency when we resist the urge to do things for them that they are able to do for themselves. Another way of looking at it is that we can deliberately help them to become self-sufficient by teaching them the life skills they need, and giving them opportunities and encouragement to practice those skills.
CHAPTER HEADINGS.
'INDEPENDENCE' AND REALITY ...........................................................220
INDEPENDENCE ................................................................................220
Letting go responsibly.
Discovering there is a problem.
Thinking up alternative solutions.
Deciding what to do.
Doing it.
Accepting the consequences.
THE TRUE GOAL OF PARENTING ........................................................228
COMMUNICATING WITH CHILDREN ......................................................229
Question: making a connection or intruding?
Avoid asking 'Why?'
Questions can stimulate thought.
Children ask questions too.
Do you argue or discuss?
THE REALITY QUESTIONS ...............................................................233
Helping people act responsibly.
What do you want?
What are you doing?
What can you do?
Varying the order of questions.
What if we don't like what we hear?
Using statements instead of questions.
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