WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?
Confidence is feeling secure in the belief that you can handle the problems life is likely to throw at you each day. Confidence comes from believing you have the necessary skills and knowledge to do what you want to do or to solve a problem you want to solve. However, even confident people can feel anxious at times.
Anxiety is the fear of not being able to do something or solve a problem. Sometimes anxiety is felt by people who actually do have the necessary skills and knowledge but fear something will prevent them from succeeding. So, in regard to confidence, a positive attitude is as important as having skills and knowledge.
Attitude is a mixture of values, beliefs and feelings that we express in the way we act. That is why people usually judge our attitude by the way we act.
Our attitude towards problems in general may be more important than our attitude towards a particular problem. People who feel really down when they can't solve a problem may fear failure itself and therefore become anxious when faced with any unusual situation. Some people become anxious facing a situation they actually can handle but fear being judged by other people. Public speaking is one example of this.
On the other hand, someone who believes all they have to do to solve a difficult problem is gain a bit more knowledge, or skill, will grow in confidence each time they successfully do that.
What you could work on to build self-confidence:
All Road of Peace programs and books follow the framework of the four steps listed below, even if the steps are not mentioned. And the same steps apply for achieving and maintaining self-confidence no matter what role you play in life.
Anxiety is the fear of not being able to do something or solve a problem. Sometimes anxiety is felt by people who actually do have the necessary skills and knowledge but fear something will prevent them from succeeding. So, in regard to confidence, a positive attitude is as important as having skills and knowledge.
Attitude is a mixture of values, beliefs and feelings that we express in the way we act. That is why people usually judge our attitude by the way we act.
Our attitude towards problems in general may be more important than our attitude towards a particular problem. People who feel really down when they can't solve a problem may fear failure itself and therefore become anxious when faced with any unusual situation. Some people become anxious facing a situation they actually can handle but fear being judged by other people. Public speaking is one example of this.
On the other hand, someone who believes all they have to do to solve a difficult problem is gain a bit more knowledge, or skill, will grow in confidence each time they successfully do that.
What you could work on to build self-confidence:
- Work on what you believe in regard to problem solving, including your beliefs about your ability to solve problems
- Work on improving your practical knowledge and skills in problem solving and conflict resolution.
All Road of Peace programs and books follow the framework of the four steps listed below, even if the steps are not mentioned. And the same steps apply for achieving and maintaining self-confidence no matter what role you play in life.
WAYS TO BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE.
STEP ONE: WHO AM I?
The first thing to do in building self-confidence is to know yourself and your relationship to other people. Judging your value as a person is very different to judging your competence as a person. Judging your value as a person is more to do with self-esteem . However, there is a strong connection between self-confidence and self-esteem because self-esteem affects all of your beliefs, values and decisions, including what you believe you can and can’t do.
Self-talk is what you say to yourself when you are faced with a difficult situation or problem. Positive self-talk is realistic about your knowledge and skill in regard to what you face and shuts out negative thoughts that come from low self-esteem, such as, 'You are hopeless at this and will fail, as usual'. Positive self-talk encourages you to do what you can do, which includes seeking help or increasing your knowledge and skills. Positive self-talk comes from judging yourself by your willingness to learn, not by comparing yourself to other people. You should listen to the cosmos, which says you are as important as any other person on earth.
Our sense of competence usually develops during the primary school years when our competitive culture has us judging our knowledge and skills against the level held by other people. And its obsession with sport has us believing winning is all that matters. That is a powerful influence on us but participation – not winning - is what really matters.
We all face a life-long, inner struggle between the need to belong and the need to be an individual. The need to belong has us cooperating and sharing with others for mutual benefit. On the other hand, the need to be an individual has us competing with others to meet our own needs or to achieve a personal goal. Cooperation is the politics of belonging; domination is the politics of individualism.
You find out what guides your relationship to other people by reflecting on where you stand on the line between belonging and individualism. Having a healthy balance of both makes you an individual who belongs.
As an adult, you can look at what you are now and what you want to be. Knowing who you are means knowing what sort of beliefs and values, knowledge and skills, you need to be the person you want to be. Are the beliefs and values needed the same as the beliefs and values imposed on you in your early years? What do yu need to change?
Do you currently see yourself as being superior or inferior to other people, or are you equal to others? If you see yourself as being equal to others, the boundaries you set for how you want to be treated need to be the same as the way you treat others. Otherwise, you are not being true to your beliefs and this will lower your self-confidence.
Self-talk is what you say to yourself when you are faced with a difficult situation or problem. Positive self-talk is realistic about your knowledge and skill in regard to what you face and shuts out negative thoughts that come from low self-esteem, such as, 'You are hopeless at this and will fail, as usual'. Positive self-talk encourages you to do what you can do, which includes seeking help or increasing your knowledge and skills. Positive self-talk comes from judging yourself by your willingness to learn, not by comparing yourself to other people. You should listen to the cosmos, which says you are as important as any other person on earth.
Our sense of competence usually develops during the primary school years when our competitive culture has us judging our knowledge and skills against the level held by other people. And its obsession with sport has us believing winning is all that matters. That is a powerful influence on us but participation – not winning - is what really matters.
We all face a life-long, inner struggle between the need to belong and the need to be an individual. The need to belong has us cooperating and sharing with others for mutual benefit. On the other hand, the need to be an individual has us competing with others to meet our own needs or to achieve a personal goal. Cooperation is the politics of belonging; domination is the politics of individualism.
You find out what guides your relationship to other people by reflecting on where you stand on the line between belonging and individualism. Having a healthy balance of both makes you an individual who belongs.
As an adult, you can look at what you are now and what you want to be. Knowing who you are means knowing what sort of beliefs and values, knowledge and skills, you need to be the person you want to be. Are the beliefs and values needed the same as the beliefs and values imposed on you in your early years? What do yu need to change?
Do you currently see yourself as being superior or inferior to other people, or are you equal to others? If you see yourself as being equal to others, the boundaries you set for how you want to be treated need to be the same as the way you treat others. Otherwise, you are not being true to your beliefs and this will lower your self-confidence.
STEP TWO: KNOWING HOW YOUR CULTURE INFLUENCES THE WAY YOU ACT.
Democratic societies usually have very strong adversarial ways of achieving goals and negotiating agreements. Disputes and conflicts are settled by an adversarial method before a third person, such as a judge. And we measure success through competition, especially in sport and commerce. We compete with each other for social status, not only for the material benefits but also the sense of importance that comes with that status.
A higher status usually comes from having wealth, power, knowledge or skills. Some people seem fortunate enough to have the lot. High status can also come almost by accident. In sport, great wealth and fame can come from being a fraction of a second faster than whoever came second. In the arts, it might come from simply being noticed in the right place at the right time. In modern commerce, it might only mean putting a video on Youtube that goes viral. But none of this ensures an increase in self-confidence.
All of the above plays on our natural need to belong and to feel important. It places a constant pressure on us to judge our success or failure by the wins we have in countless ways every day. Even in disagreements with loved ones. This is why domestic violence is such a problem. However, real self-confidence comes from increasing our competence to solve everyday problems and resolve conflict while preserving the dignity of all those involved.
Fortunately there are many people who choose to judge themselves by their importance to each other in relationships centred on equality. We can all decide to go against the usual social scripts and learn new ways of responding to problems and conflicts. Each piece of knowledge gained and each new skill then adds to self-confidence and provides direction and purpose in transforming the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. If you already centre on equality, you can enhance skills you already have.
A higher status usually comes from having wealth, power, knowledge or skills. Some people seem fortunate enough to have the lot. High status can also come almost by accident. In sport, great wealth and fame can come from being a fraction of a second faster than whoever came second. In the arts, it might come from simply being noticed in the right place at the right time. In modern commerce, it might only mean putting a video on Youtube that goes viral. But none of this ensures an increase in self-confidence.
All of the above plays on our natural need to belong and to feel important. It places a constant pressure on us to judge our success or failure by the wins we have in countless ways every day. Even in disagreements with loved ones. This is why domestic violence is such a problem. However, real self-confidence comes from increasing our competence to solve everyday problems and resolve conflict while preserving the dignity of all those involved.
Fortunately there are many people who choose to judge themselves by their importance to each other in relationships centred on equality. We can all decide to go against the usual social scripts and learn new ways of responding to problems and conflicts. Each piece of knowledge gained and each new skill then adds to self-confidence and provides direction and purpose in transforming the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. If you already centre on equality, you can enhance skills you already have.
STEP THREE: STAYING STRONG WHEN LIFE SEEMS TOUGH.
Staying positive and feeling confident is easy when there are no problems to solve or conflicts to respond to but there will be times when you feel spiritually drained. These are the times you need to know how to boost your self-confidence. Self-talk is probably the most important thing to work on in regard to self-confidence. You can be your own worst enemy when it comes to putting yourself down.
Look at the things you say to yourself as you go into a difficult situation or when you are faced with a problem. If you tell yourself you are not much good at this sort of thing, you will no doubt prove it by messing it up. If you decided in STEP ONE that all people are equal, the first thing to work on in regard to self-talk is to be true to that fundamental belief by telling yourself there is no one on earth more important than yourself.
Of course, if all people are equal, there is no one on earth less important than you either but you are used to acting that way already. You've had years of practice. Now you need to convince yourself of the opposite, that there is no one on earth more important than you, and start acting that way. You can do anything you want to do, within reason, if you put the effort into learning what you need to know and practicing how to do it. If you are a male, you can't have a baby and if you have a physical disability you have to take that into account, but you can do whatever is possible for you to do.
Think about the times when you have handled situations well. Gather people around you who respect you and maybe talk to them about how they handle various problems. Respecting yourself lets people know you are a person who deserves respect. When you respect yourself, others are likely to follow suit.
Look at the things you say to yourself as you go into a difficult situation or when you are faced with a problem. If you tell yourself you are not much good at this sort of thing, you will no doubt prove it by messing it up. If you decided in STEP ONE that all people are equal, the first thing to work on in regard to self-talk is to be true to that fundamental belief by telling yourself there is no one on earth more important than yourself.
Of course, if all people are equal, there is no one on earth less important than you either but you are used to acting that way already. You've had years of practice. Now you need to convince yourself of the opposite, that there is no one on earth more important than you, and start acting that way. You can do anything you want to do, within reason, if you put the effort into learning what you need to know and practicing how to do it. If you are a male, you can't have a baby and if you have a physical disability you have to take that into account, but you can do whatever is possible for you to do.
Think about the times when you have handled situations well. Gather people around you who respect you and maybe talk to them about how they handle various problems. Respecting yourself lets people know you are a person who deserves respect. When you respect yourself, others are likely to follow suit.
STEP FOUR:
GAINING MORE SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE.
Self-esteem and confidence are tied together. A confident person usually has high self-esteem. Knowledge is power in regard to confidence because each new thing you learn increases your sense of being able to handle the problems life throws at you. That is true in regard to work skills and also true in regard to relationships. A great deal of the unhappiness of people is associated with anger and depression, both of which can stem from the frustration of not having the knowledge or skills to solve a problem.
However, anyone can learn and practice the art of problem solving or transforming conflict into creative conflict. All it requires is a willingness to explore new ways of thinking about problems and conflicts. Most of us are only taught the adversarial, competitive way of trying to settle disputes and so we are not aware of the many alternatives we could use. Some of the skills to learn, and practice, that boost self-esteem and confidence are:
The guidelines for equality-based conflict resolution.
Centring, active listening, and other relationship-building skills.
Taking restorative action to heal relationships.
Assertiveness grounded in equality.
Building trust in a relationship.
Truth-seeking discussions rather than competitive debates.
Open space technology for creative decision-making in large groups.
Seeking agreements rather than victories.
The power of nonviolence and non-cooperation.
Alternative leadership styles for parents or managers.
Basing responses to bullying on preserving dignity.
All these and more are featured in the programs, books and writings found on this website.
However, anyone can learn and practice the art of problem solving or transforming conflict into creative conflict. All it requires is a willingness to explore new ways of thinking about problems and conflicts. Most of us are only taught the adversarial, competitive way of trying to settle disputes and so we are not aware of the many alternatives we could use. Some of the skills to learn, and practice, that boost self-esteem and confidence are:
The guidelines for equality-based conflict resolution.
Centring, active listening, and other relationship-building skills.
Taking restorative action to heal relationships.
Assertiveness grounded in equality.
Building trust in a relationship.
Truth-seeking discussions rather than competitive debates.
Open space technology for creative decision-making in large groups.
Seeking agreements rather than victories.
The power of nonviolence and non-cooperation.
Alternative leadership styles for parents or managers.
Basing responses to bullying on preserving dignity.
All these and more are featured in the programs, books and writings found on this website.
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