THE FOUR STEPS TO HIGH SELF ESTEEM.

WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM?

Self-esteem is the same as self-worth or self-love. It basically refers to what value you place on yourself. High self-esteem people care about their own needs and the needs of others. Having a healthy level of self-esteem is an important safeguard against bullying and domestic violence, both of which are similar. Bullies regard low self-esteem people as easy targets and the last thing they want is for their victims to gain the level of self-esteem that can be achieved through the four steps outlined below.

Judging self-esteem is like judging anything, it depends on where you judge it from. Our culture is very competitive, and obsessed with sport and celebrities. This influence probably has you measuring your self-worth against other people in regard to status, possessions, body image, abilities and so on. Although that may seem natural, it's not the only way to judge self-worth. In fact, it's the most common reason for having low self-esteem, or for your self-esteem being on a roller coaster ride. Up one day, down the next.

How you feel about yourself as an adult is also affected by how you were treated as a young child, and how the world in general prepared you for adulthood. Every person you met and every situation you experienced as a child played a part in how you now judge yourself. You had no control over what circumstances you were born into or what social systems, beliefs and values were instilled in your brain as being 'normal.' You had no control over how you were taught to judge yourself and your performance. You probably just accepted all of those things as being normal and natural because 'that's how it is’.

So you are not to blame for the level of self-esteem you now enjoy, or endure, as an adult. All of that came to you from outside of yourself. Now you need to discover who you really are and nourish the love deep within yourself. Although self-love is affected by the actions and opinions of others, it exists separate to them. If you wait long enough, it is possible that a mix of fate and the actions of other people will help you achieve a higher level of self-esteem, but it can happen much sooner if you take control and work on it yourself.

All of the Road of Peace programs and books shown on this website follow the framework of the four steps listed below, even if they don't mention the steps by name.  And the same steps apply for achieving and maintaining high self-esteem no matter what role you play in life. 
   

WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

STEP ONE:
WHERE TO MEASURE FROM?

Whether you are religious or not, the first thing to do is sort out what your relationship is to other people. Albert Einstein said that an education is what you are left with when you have forgotten everything you learned at school. James Fowler, author of Stages of Faith referred to the same thing when he said each of us has, at the core of our being, a value/power base that affects everything we do and every decision we make in life. It's a basic belief about our relationship to other people and to the cosmos.

Both Einstein and Fowler were saying that the core beliefs you carried within you as you entered adulthood were formed by your early experiences in life and what other people taught you to believe. These externals became part of the subconscious value/power base that influences how you measure your self-worth.

If you have low self-esteem and continue to operate from the same value/power base that produced it, your self-esteem will remain low. Something has to change if your self-esteem is to change, and you can decide on that change. Question one: 'From what point of view do you currently judge your value as a person?' Question two: 'From what point of view could you judge your value as a person?'

 After a lot of reflection, I decided to judge my self-worth by my value to the cosmos, rather than judging my self-worth by my value to the economy or by social status, because my value to the cosmos doesn’t change. The cosmic viewpoint is that all people are of equal importance. Therefore I can judge my self-worth by my efforts to have power with others rather than trying to have power over others. This results in win/win achievements rather than competitive win/lose achievements.

Knowing your value/power base gives you the confidence of having a solid base for making all the decisions you make, not just how to judge your own self-worth. However, as Gandhi taught, you should listen to the views of other people and be prepared to adjust your decisions if you agree with what you hear. This is part of the genuine search for Truth.

STEP THREE:
STAYING STRONG WHEN LIFE SEEMS TOUGH.

Staying positive and standing strong is easy when life is good but you will experience tough times that lead you to feel spiritually drained. These are the times when you need to visit your 'self-esteem service stations' for a spiritual boost.

It’s important to know what sort of things give you a spiritual lift when you feel down. And it's just as important to recognise the signs early or you may go into a downward spiral that's difficult to pull out of. The best self-esteem service stations are those that are free and available 24/7 so you can tap in for a refill at a moment's notice. Centring on a goal is one example, and that's when it’s important to know what your value/power base is because it provides a constant point to centre on. Practicing positive self-talk is another; and religious people can always connect with a higher power.

There are many ways people cheer themselves up and gain strength to continue on when life seems tough. A sure-fire method is to associate with positive and supportive people who have similar beliefs and values to your own. Family and friends mainly but clubs and church groups are other examples. Even things like shopping and reading can revitalise some people. You could take a holiday; even a one-day holiday can work wonders to boost self-esteem.

Some self-esteem boosters take time and need practice to work well but most can be built into your lifestyle to maintain a general high level of self-esteem. Show you care about yourself by making sure you get enough sleep, have a healthy diet, exercise regularly and have some sort of hobby or sport for recreation. Taking responsibility for your own health and appearance is not just a form of self-talk, it's a public statement that you are a person who deserves respect. When you value yourself, others are likely to follow suit.

Get to know yourself as you spend time alone soaking in energy from the environment. You might go jogging or walking; or take up gardening or fishing.  The time spent on these activities can be used to reflect on, and reinterpret, old beliefs and values in the light of your chosen value/power base. Or you might decide to learn how to clear your mind using a more formal meditation method.

STEP TWO:
KNOW HOW YOUR CULTURE INFLUENCES THE WAY YOU ACT.

Most societies are hierarchical in some way. Laws are made by one or more people at the top and imposed on those below. Hierarchies also have several levels of power, privileges and wealth; with people comparing their importance against each other to gain 'that' social status. Success is measured by how far they climb up the socioeconomic ladder, and usually results in people using competition or domination to gain superior social status.

We live in a culture obsessed with competitive sport and fascinated by celebrities. Our political and legal systems are based on adversarial debating. And our culture relies on the influence of punishment to maintain social order. Imposing punishments requires the use of power.

Most of our culture's institutions and organisations, including religions, are also hierarchical, which reinforces the sense that competition and domination are normal and natural in human relationships.

All the above puts tremendous pressure on you to follow the old script of seeking a sense of importance from being better than others, even loved ones, either by competitive means or by pushing others down a little. How does that fit in with the value/power base you decided to adopt in step one? If you decided to adopt the principle 'all people are equal' as your value/power base, competition and domination do not fit in. That is the old method that doesn't work. 

Equality could lead to experimenting with ways of gaining a sense of identity from your importance to other people rather than your importance over them. This means learning how to develop together through cooperative achievement, like the way nature evolves, rather than through the old adversarial, competitive method that is the breeding ground of negative conflict. 

STEP FOUR:
GAINING MORE SKILL & KNOWLEDGE.

Self-esteem and confidence are tied together. A confident person usually has high self-esteem. Knowledge is power in regard to confidence because each new thing you learn increases your sense of being able to handle the problems life throws at you. That is true in regard to work skills and also in regard to relationships. A great deal of the unhappiness of people is associated with anger and depression, both of which can stem from the frustration of not having the knowledge or skills to solve a problem.

The secret to happiness is to find the balance between meeting your own needs and helping other people meet their needs. This isn’t as difficult as it may appear because ‘equality’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘the same’. The sense of fairness allows people to be very different in regard to wealth, possessions, responsibilities, skills and status without the negative feelings that result from inequality. The sense of fairness also allows the balance point to be very different for different people.

Having the knowledge and skills to resolve conflict in relationships is important for finding and maintaining a balanced relationship. The good news is that anyone can learn and practice the art of transforming conflict into creative conflict. All it requires is a willingness to explore new ways of thinking about problems and conflicts. Most of us are only taught the adversarial, competitive way of trying to settle disputes but more effective alternatives exist for us to use; such as the guidelines for conflict resolution.


Conflict is inevitable in human relationships. It isn't the presence of conflict that causes harm; the way conflict is handled determines whether conflict strengthens or harms a relationship. 



Many alternative ways of resolving conflict are featured in my book Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness 

Book reviewers are invited to click here to obtain a review copy of  books by Bob Myers.

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