Chapter Eleven.
The Need for Change.
Every instant is the beginning of the future.
(Chaos theory)
In these final two chapters we continue to use parenting and the family as the conflict situation common to us all because there are times throughout life when we want to steer someone away from particular interests and actions that we disapprove of. Or we want to motivate them to do something, or take more interest in something, such as schoolwork, work or sport. There are times when people cannot see the dangers in what they want to do and we feel we have to steer them in another direction. And some of us will be faced with helping others recover when the decisions they make lead to big trouble. Some of us may be faced with a child, or children, who constantly misbehave and refuse to cooperate.
However, our reasons for wanting to change a child’s interests or activities shouldn’t be based on possible expectations we had of them following a family tradition, taking on a certain career, or being, ‘Just like his Dad.’ That would be trying to control their life. Our reasons need to be consistent with our grounding in equality, and that means our reasons are based on beliefs such as:
the interest or activity is harmful to the child or to others; or
the interest or activity will damage relationships; or
the child is under the influence of a legal or illegal substance; or
the child is under the influence of one or more other people.
Of course, we are assuming that the child will continue doing it if we don’t intervene. But if we are right about it being harmful, it’s our responsibility to step in and do what we think is right.
Chapter five pointed to problems in the relationship between the parents as being a major cause of children misbehaving, but that is far from being the only one. Many things can lead to a child acting badly or dangerously; genetic predispositions and other inherited factors may exist that the child and parents cannot be blamed for. However, even if it’s from something they inherited, we still need to help them learn how to manage any problems caused by those things so they can form ‘normal’ social relationships. Some inherited factors are relatively easy to fix if they are detected early.
Learning difficulties or simply not understanding some school subjects such as reading or math can lead to behavioural problems. Physical difficulties with hearing or vision can also lead to behavioural problems. These things need the attention of relevant experts but a child’s diet can also be a major cause of misbehaviour and we can do something about that.
Out-of-control or violent behaviour can have quite simple causes. The misbehaving child may be bewildered by their own behaviour and say they don’t want to act like that, but they just can’t help it. They don’t know why they act the way they do and may be quite unhappy with themselves. Each episode can damage their self-confidence, lower their self-esteem and send them into a negative spiral.
CHAPTER HEADINGS
THE NEED FOR CHANGE ....................................................................202
THE MOTIVATION TO CHANGE ...........................................................204
Popular methods.
MOTIVATION BASED ON EQUALITY ................................................205
Things we need to understand about motivation.
A reason to want to do it.
A genuine opportunity to do it.
The ability to do it reasonably well.
Encouragement to do it.
Time to return to manners.
Being a non-biological parent.
THE NEED FOR US TO CHANGE ........................................................213
ALCOHOL, DRUGS AND OTHER RISKY THINGS ................................215
Harm minimisation.
Go to Chapter Twelve.
(Chaos theory)
In these final two chapters we continue to use parenting and the family as the conflict situation common to us all because there are times throughout life when we want to steer someone away from particular interests and actions that we disapprove of. Or we want to motivate them to do something, or take more interest in something, such as schoolwork, work or sport. There are times when people cannot see the dangers in what they want to do and we feel we have to steer them in another direction. And some of us will be faced with helping others recover when the decisions they make lead to big trouble. Some of us may be faced with a child, or children, who constantly misbehave and refuse to cooperate.
However, our reasons for wanting to change a child’s interests or activities shouldn’t be based on possible expectations we had of them following a family tradition, taking on a certain career, or being, ‘Just like his Dad.’ That would be trying to control their life. Our reasons need to be consistent with our grounding in equality, and that means our reasons are based on beliefs such as:
the interest or activity is harmful to the child or to others; or
the interest or activity will damage relationships; or
the child is under the influence of a legal or illegal substance; or
the child is under the influence of one or more other people.
Of course, we are assuming that the child will continue doing it if we don’t intervene. But if we are right about it being harmful, it’s our responsibility to step in and do what we think is right.
Chapter five pointed to problems in the relationship between the parents as being a major cause of children misbehaving, but that is far from being the only one. Many things can lead to a child acting badly or dangerously; genetic predispositions and other inherited factors may exist that the child and parents cannot be blamed for. However, even if it’s from something they inherited, we still need to help them learn how to manage any problems caused by those things so they can form ‘normal’ social relationships. Some inherited factors are relatively easy to fix if they are detected early.
Learning difficulties or simply not understanding some school subjects such as reading or math can lead to behavioural problems. Physical difficulties with hearing or vision can also lead to behavioural problems. These things need the attention of relevant experts but a child’s diet can also be a major cause of misbehaviour and we can do something about that.
Out-of-control or violent behaviour can have quite simple causes. The misbehaving child may be bewildered by their own behaviour and say they don’t want to act like that, but they just can’t help it. They don’t know why they act the way they do and may be quite unhappy with themselves. Each episode can damage their self-confidence, lower their self-esteem and send them into a negative spiral.
CHAPTER HEADINGS
THE NEED FOR CHANGE ....................................................................202
THE MOTIVATION TO CHANGE ...........................................................204
Popular methods.
MOTIVATION BASED ON EQUALITY ................................................205
Things we need to understand about motivation.
A reason to want to do it.
A genuine opportunity to do it.
The ability to do it reasonably well.
Encouragement to do it.
Time to return to manners.
Being a non-biological parent.
THE NEED FOR US TO CHANGE ........................................................213
ALCOHOL, DRUGS AND OTHER RISKY THINGS ................................215
Harm minimisation.
Go to Chapter Twelve.
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