Chapter Seven.
Discipline and Restorative Action.
Justice is the essential basis of peace and
peace is essential for the pursuit of justice.
(World Council of Churches)
In chapter six we looked at what happens when we take punitive action in response to wrongdoing and found there is a high risk of punishment increasing the problem we set out to solve. ‘Taking restorative action’ is the term used to cover all of the alternatives the compass of nonviolence makes available for us to use as we teach, assist and guide people to develop self-control. We begin our exploration of restorative action by understanding the part played by cooperation.
Cooperation.
What is cooperation?
Cooperation is sometimes referred to as, ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.’ There is a hint of a trade-off there. The implication is that one has to do something first before getting what she needs or wants. I suggest a small but significant change so cooperation becomes, ‘let’s scratch each other’s back,’ which is more like, ‘let’s cooperate so we both get what we want.’ We may end up doing most of the scratching and getting little in return, but if that causes concern, we can always go back to the conditional, ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.’
Should we seek power over others or power with others?
We cannot control the beliefs, values and actions of others but we can influence them.
Having and using power over someone is domination. When we have power withsomeone we have cooperation. Equality calls us to seek power with other people, including children. We all have a deep-seated need to feel we are in control of life but we very often lose that feeling when we try to control what we cannot control. One of the truths we must come to terms with is that our own behaviour is the only thing we have any real control over.
Trying to control the actions of a defiant child can lead to a ‘them and us’ power struggle, or a harmful ‘cat and mouse’ game in which the child quickly learns how to avoid being caught. On the other hand, controlling how we respond to a child’s needs and actions is more likely to result in peace, and to a change in the child’s behaviour. The focus needs to be on gaining the child’s cooperation rather than on controlling the child.
Children prove we have no control over them when they simply refuse to obey and we will not find peace of mind until we accept the truth in a child saying, ‘You can’t make me do anything.’ Continually trying to do what cannot be done takes enormous energy, and is unnecessary because we can greatly influence what others do, simply by controlling what we do.
The response to an ‘uncontrollable’ child could be, ‘Well, that makes us equal. You can’t make me do anything either, but both of us could be happier by doing things for each other.’ This promotes cooperation and could be followed with a request such as, ‘Right now I would appreciate your help to move this table.’
Instead of thinking in terms of having control over a child, it is far more effective to seek the child’s help in solving a problem. Cooperation combines the power and energy of both parent and child to solve a problem together. Cooperation teaches the child the value of teamwork and at the same time strengthens the parent/child relationship.It’s far more productive and enjoyable to have power with a child than to try to have power over a child.
One of the great advantages of cooperation and teamwork is that children gain a sense of being in control of life, from the direct connection between the child’s actions and the outcome of those actions. This is very different to always being told what to do and how to do it, which takes control away from the child. Not having control of life can lead to depression. So a sense of having some control of life is essential to a child’s emotional health.
CHAPTER HEADINGS.
DISCIPLINE AND RESTORATIVE ACTION .........................................................120
COOPERATION .........................................................................................121
What is cooperation?
Should we seek power over others or power with others?
Cooperation as a contract.
Withdrawing cooperation.
CONSEQUENCES ..........................................................................................125
What are consequences?
RESTORATIVE ACTION GUIDELINES ............................................................127
Facing the harm caused.
Accepting responsibility.
Making amends.
Forgiveness.
Self punishment/Voluntary suffering.
Kids choosing their own consequences.
Reversal of roles.
CHANGING FROM PUNISHMENT TO CONSEQUENCES ....................................134
Getting started.
Separating the person from the behaviour.
WHEN COERCION IS NECESSARY ....................................................................137
Go to Chapter Eight.
peace is essential for the pursuit of justice.
(World Council of Churches)
In chapter six we looked at what happens when we take punitive action in response to wrongdoing and found there is a high risk of punishment increasing the problem we set out to solve. ‘Taking restorative action’ is the term used to cover all of the alternatives the compass of nonviolence makes available for us to use as we teach, assist and guide people to develop self-control. We begin our exploration of restorative action by understanding the part played by cooperation.
Cooperation.
What is cooperation?
Cooperation is sometimes referred to as, ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.’ There is a hint of a trade-off there. The implication is that one has to do something first before getting what she needs or wants. I suggest a small but significant change so cooperation becomes, ‘let’s scratch each other’s back,’ which is more like, ‘let’s cooperate so we both get what we want.’ We may end up doing most of the scratching and getting little in return, but if that causes concern, we can always go back to the conditional, ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.’
Should we seek power over others or power with others?
We cannot control the beliefs, values and actions of others but we can influence them.
Having and using power over someone is domination. When we have power withsomeone we have cooperation. Equality calls us to seek power with other people, including children. We all have a deep-seated need to feel we are in control of life but we very often lose that feeling when we try to control what we cannot control. One of the truths we must come to terms with is that our own behaviour is the only thing we have any real control over.
Trying to control the actions of a defiant child can lead to a ‘them and us’ power struggle, or a harmful ‘cat and mouse’ game in which the child quickly learns how to avoid being caught. On the other hand, controlling how we respond to a child’s needs and actions is more likely to result in peace, and to a change in the child’s behaviour. The focus needs to be on gaining the child’s cooperation rather than on controlling the child.
Children prove we have no control over them when they simply refuse to obey and we will not find peace of mind until we accept the truth in a child saying, ‘You can’t make me do anything.’ Continually trying to do what cannot be done takes enormous energy, and is unnecessary because we can greatly influence what others do, simply by controlling what we do.
The response to an ‘uncontrollable’ child could be, ‘Well, that makes us equal. You can’t make me do anything either, but both of us could be happier by doing things for each other.’ This promotes cooperation and could be followed with a request such as, ‘Right now I would appreciate your help to move this table.’
Instead of thinking in terms of having control over a child, it is far more effective to seek the child’s help in solving a problem. Cooperation combines the power and energy of both parent and child to solve a problem together. Cooperation teaches the child the value of teamwork and at the same time strengthens the parent/child relationship.It’s far more productive and enjoyable to have power with a child than to try to have power over a child.
One of the great advantages of cooperation and teamwork is that children gain a sense of being in control of life, from the direct connection between the child’s actions and the outcome of those actions. This is very different to always being told what to do and how to do it, which takes control away from the child. Not having control of life can lead to depression. So a sense of having some control of life is essential to a child’s emotional health.
CHAPTER HEADINGS.
DISCIPLINE AND RESTORATIVE ACTION .........................................................120
COOPERATION .........................................................................................121
What is cooperation?
Should we seek power over others or power with others?
Cooperation as a contract.
Withdrawing cooperation.
CONSEQUENCES ..........................................................................................125
What are consequences?
RESTORATIVE ACTION GUIDELINES ............................................................127
Facing the harm caused.
Accepting responsibility.
Making amends.
Forgiveness.
Self punishment/Voluntary suffering.
Kids choosing their own consequences.
Reversal of roles.
CHANGING FROM PUNISHMENT TO CONSEQUENCES ....................................134
Getting started.
Separating the person from the behaviour.
WHEN COERCION IS NECESSARY ....................................................................137
Go to Chapter Eight.
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