Trust is closely related to love and, like love, we may receive trust without doing anything to earn it. And we may trust other people without them doing anything to earn our trust. However, there are few people, if any, we would trust absolutely, and there are few people, if any, who would trust us completely. Some people trust us with a little more, and we trust some others with a little more. That’s how society works.

Sometimes it’s easy to gain more trust and sometimes it’s extremely difficult, depending on the person’s previous experiences of trusting others. Some people will freely give more trust but not if they have ‘been there, done that’ and been betrayed many times. Generally speaking, a small level of trust is freely given as a test and if you want any more, you have to earn it. Some people's experience is such that they find it too threatening to trust anyone with any more than what is necessary to ‘be polite’. For that reason, patience is the first requirement for gaining the trust of anyone, because it may take a long time.

When we receive trust, we receive the power to do great harm to those who trust us and therefore we need to show we deserve their trust. The giving of trust and being worthy of the trust is the link to love; forming a spiritual bond between individuals.

So, patience is the first requirement for gaining trust. Take your time and remind yourself that trust is a gift; not a right.

Use that time to make the other person feel safe with you and from you.  Not just from physical harm but from emotional, psychological and spiritual harm. The easiest and most effective way of achieving that is by using manners. Manners help establish trust and a sense of security. Manners form the base for mutual respect, establishing a culture of equality and cooperation. Manners also lead to other useful tools such as the guidelines for resolving conflict, the guidelines for making rules people are likely to keep to, and the restorative action that does away with tools like manipulation, punishment, revenge and power struggles. All that can come from using basic manners.

Gaining trust means being worthy of trust. That means always being reliable – keep your word – be on time – be open and honest – make an effort to know the needs of people and be available to help – and be sincere in saying why you can’t help with some things. Always be willing to offer an apology when you are wrong and take responsibility for your actions.

To sum up, many people might just trust you, so there is no need to win their trust. You only have to be trustworthy and not let them down. However, if you are trying to win back trust, or win it for the first time, you first need to take it slow, especially if the person you want that trust from has been betrayed many times and finds it difficult to trust anybody.

If there is a problem to be worked out, be mindful of maintaining the dignity of other people, or maybe allow them to maintain dignity by ‘saving face’. Clearly identify what you are concerned about and why you need to share the problem with them. If there is a wrong to be righted, do it through restorative action, while being open and honest, especially about anything you did that contributed to causing the problem. 


Photo: Norlangie Park, N.T. Australia.

People come in many shapes, sizes, ages, and colours but they are all human. People gather in a variety of situations with all kinds of people, but each remains human. And whenever two or more humans gather - at home, at play or at work - there are always problems and conflicts requiring a response from each. Each person’s response is affected by different levels of power, duty, knowledge and skills, as well as the different beliefs, values and culture of each person. But, no matter what form the response takes, it is a human response.

My book, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness, looks at the sameness of being human and sets out the fundamental tools we need for dealing with problems and conflicts in life. The family is the setting for describing the use of each tool because everyone has some knowledge of family life and an opinion about how the various members of a family should act and be treated. For other settings, such as work or play, the challenge for all of us is to recognise the humanness of the people involved and consciously use the same fundamental tools, albeit in different ways.  The fundamental tools are:  

GROUNDED LOVE.
Grounded love is the first and most important tool. It is love grounded in equality that guides the use of all the tools described in the book. ‘Love’ includes virtues such as respect, assertiveness, care, protection, compassion and cooperation.

 In the home and personal life it can be emotional love. In a group or work situation, it is generally referred to as our duty of care, which may have a minimum level enshrined in law.

A culture of equality can exist even though people have different duties, responsibilities, skills and knowledge, and they need the authority to perform those duties and meet their responsibilities.

MANNERS.
Manners are used to establish trust and a sense of security. Manners form the base for mutual respect, establishing a culture of equality and cooperation. Manners lead to other useful tools such as the guidelines for resolving conflict, the guidelines for making rules people are likely to keep to, and the restorative action that does away with tools like manipulation, punishment, revenge and power struggles.

EXAMPLE.
Regardless of the setting, example is the most effective way to teach and convey expectations of what to do and how to do it.  Example is sometimes described as: walking the talk; practicing what you preach; showing how it can be done; and being the change you want to see happen.

CENTRING.

Centring is focusing on something that helps you achieve the outcome you want. Sometimes it means focusing on the outcome itself and sometimes it means focusing on something seemingly unrelated to the outcome. Centring is a state of mind in which a person, the action and the outcome seem to become one.

The overall aim of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness is for Grounded Love, Manners, Example, Centring and all other tools and skills they lead to, will cease being regarded as tools, and become the normal way of relating to other people, regardless of their shape, size, age or colour.





Photo: Kakadu National Park N.T. 

The global problems we face in this century can only be solved through global cooperation. For those societies that claim to believe in equality, that simply means putting equality into practice. I want to share with you the ten statements that I write about, and try to practice.

Enduring peace and happiness comes from constantly exploring ways to get the balance right between personal needs, other people’s needs, and the needs of the situation. The situation could be the home; the workplace; a community; a country; nature; or the cosmos. 

From a cosmic viewpoint, equality is the true nature of human relationships. We can use that constant to guide us in building and maintaining relationships and setting up social systems, such as law, education and health.

We use the word ‘violence’ to describe actions or events that cause harm. Therefore, anything that harms the true nature of relationships – by causing inequality – could be deemed to be ‘violence’.

People who are guided by the spirit of equality respond to violence by taking nonviolent restorative action.

Being equal does not mean being the same. Differences make us individuals. Most differences, regardless of extent, do not cause harm in human relationships. Our judgement of differences can lead to harm or to enhancement of relationships.

Inequality exists when individual differences are used to judge one person as superior in some way. In an adversarial society, such as ours, superiority is gained by competition or domination, or both.     

Human equality can be established and maintained by exploring the complementary nature of individual differences to get the right balance for meeting the needs of all those involved.  

The human need to achieve and the need for stability can be met by people striving for excellence and sharing the skills and knowledge gained with anyone who wants them. In that way, the whole group can develop together to whatever level any group member can achieve.

Studies consistently show a correlation between inequality and all social ills, so the success or otherwise of the policies and actions of those in positions of responsibility can be judged by whether they reduce or increase inequality.

People in positions of responsibility who are guided by the spirit of equality seek to have power with people and things rather than seeking power over people and things.


Bob Myers.

  There are few subjects more controversial than how we should respond to wrongdoing, and the family is the ideal setting to use as the base for a discussion on the complexities of discipline. Some of the thoughts and ideas expressed in chapter six of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness may appear strange and ‘way out’ to some people and yet they have been around for thousands of years. They only seem strange because our main cultural response to wrongdoing is what Walter Wink referred to as ‘redemptive violence.’ But the nonviolence compass can lead us to many more effective methods to use.

In regard to parenting, the word ‘discipline’ means: To teach, assist and guide a child’s development towards self-control.

  Everyone has an opinion on how children should be disciplined, and can generally be divided into two main camps; those who believe parents should have the right to smack their children and those who are opposed to the use of physical punishment. I want to make my position on this very clear. I believe that parents who neglect to firmly discipline a child put the emotional and moral development of the child at risk, and make it more difficult for that child to form healthy relationships as an adult. Firm discipline is a necessary part of responsible parenting and the failure to meet that responsibility should be classed as a form of child abuse. However, I also want to make it very clear that although punishment remains an option, the negative effects of using it has led me to not only be against physical punishment, but against the use of punishment as a means of discipline.

  To many people that may seem an extraordinary contradiction. How can strict discipline be maintained without punishment? Does that mean children should be allowed to do anything and not be corrected at all? Obviously my strong belief in the need for strict discipline rules out such permissiveness and is backed up by the research indicating that each child should go through a stage in life when rules are obeyed simply because they are the rules, and authority figures be respected simply because they are in positions of authority. That doesn’t happen by letting kids do whatever they want to do.

  Some of the many tools available to help parents discipline children are:

• Grounded love.
• Manners.
• Example.
• Centring.
• Fairness and safety rule-making guidelines.
• Guidelines of creative conflict.
• Consensus.
• Truth-seeking debates rather than adversarial debates.
• Knowing the difference between punishment and consequences.
• The restorative action process.
• Voluntary punishment.
• Restorative consequences.
• Social contracts (cooperation\noncooperation.
• The Reality questions.

  The most effective way for people, including children, to become responsible, interdependent individuals is by the example of others and being held accountable for their actions. Anyone can use these tools to establish peace and harmony in the home and workplace. An additional tool for large groups of people is called Open Space Technology.

Composite of ideas from Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness by Bob Myers. 
 

Alternative medicines are fast gaining acceptance in the western world, partly as a result of the rising awareness of the effect the body has on mental health, and the effect the mind has on physical health. In years gone by a sick person went to the doctor to get a prescription for a magic pill that somehow knew which part of the body to heal. Now a sick person can choose from a wide range of treatments. Acupuncture, meditation, relaxation therapy, massage, physio-therapy, herbal medicines, magnets, aroma therapy, color therapy, essential oils and many more. Traditional medicine tries to find a physical reason for all disease whereas in the alternative medicines, physical health and mental health are very much tied together. This is now being acknowledged in western medicine with the result that more and more doctors are becoming skilled in the alternative methods, to increase their effectiveness in treating patients. 

The new awareness is that disease - physical or mental disharmony - occurs when the flow of the life force through the body is impeded in some way, and the various alternative methods are attempts to clear the blockage, allowing the life force to again flow freely and repair the damaged area. The life force is known by various names, such as the Absolute, electromagnetic energy, bio-energy, the Spirit of God, and so on, but what we call it doesn’t change it in any way. It is what it is. 

Such a wide choice of treatments can be confusing, like trying to choose toothpaste in a supermarket, but all alternative treatments have one thing in common; they basically aim to restore health by freeing up the flow of the life force into and through every part of the body. To the Chinese, the life energy (chi) is split into two, the yin and the yang, and has to not only flow freely but must do so in a balanced way. The various Chinese methods restore the free flow of chi and balance yin and yang to restore physical and mental health. .

From biology we know that every cell in the human body is identical in that it contains all the information required to form a complete human being, and yet each cell is restricted to interacting and communicating with the cells in its immediate vicinity to form a particular body part, perhaps the left big toe or the right ear,. And the cells achieve this without having any idea what a big toe or an ear is; each only knows how to communicate with the cells around it. Each cell retains its own identity, its individualism, and each has needs that must be met at the same time as it communicates and cooperates with all the cells around it so they too meet their needs and achieve their task. None of the cells in a group would know that a human body would result from their cooperative achievement to form skin, nor would the groups of cells forming nerves, or veins, muscle or bone know the end result 

Instead of exchanging words, the communication between cells takes the form of a free-flowing exchange of the energy of life, with each cell not only receiving the energy but acts as the channel supplying the energy to all the cells it comes into contact with. Cells wither when blockages occur that stop this flow of the energy of life, and if the blockage continues to cause cells to wither, a diseased area develops. A serious blockage can lead to serious disease and even to death. The various alternative medicines and methods attempt to get rid of the blockage to allow the life force to flow to the damaged area and restore it to health. A deliberate attempt to do this is called ‘taking restorative action’. 

In the bigger picture, people with a holistic worldview regard all people as being joined together to form the one ‘body of humanity’ or what Christians refer to as the body of Christ, and each person’s health is of equal importance in contributing to the health and welfare of the whole body. Using this analogy, everything said before about the importance of each cell in providing a path for the free flow of the life force to other cells in the human body applies in the body of humanity. Each cell in the body of humanity is then relying on all other cells to deliver what it needs, and is relied on by others to provide a path for the free flow of the life force to them.

Blockages are more visible in the body of humanity and take many forms. There are blockages in communication, money and possessions. There are blockages in the free distribution of the earth’s wealth or food resources. Governments and individuals accumulate huge fortunes while millions starve to death. Foreign governments and commercial interests extract the mineral wealth from countries like West Papua and turn a blind eye to the violations of the rights of the indigenous people. Along with the tangible effects of these blockages of the life force, there are the emotional and psychological effects on the sense of importance and belonging that come from people feeling they matter, or don’t matter, to the rest of the world. Some governments are being dragged screaming and kicking into doing something about the adverse effects industry is having on these people but it seems to happen only after the exploitation has been made public knowledge, or when there is a real danger of losing power if they don’t appear to be doing something.

Groups of cells in the body of humanity sometimes use force to clear these blockages but too often they are not intent on freeing up the flow of the life force to benefit all parts of the body. They are intent on taking control of the blockages for their own benefit and have little or no regard for the health or welfare of others. For example, armies highjack food supplies meant for the relief of famine-affected areas, sell it on the black market and pocket the proceeds.

Communication blockages rip marriages apart, disrupt family life, wreck businesses, and cause conflict in all sorts of relationships, including international conflicts. Blockages in understanding, tolerance and openness to the truth of others lead to people becoming prisoners in castles of beliefs, blindly defending them and cutting off all efforts to seek reconciliation. The behaviour of many members of the three ‘religions of the word’ provide a classic example of this type of blockage. A free flowing of compassion, understanding and forgiveness is essential in establishing quality relationships and therefore to good mental and physical health.

A happy and healthy cell in the body of humanity is one that receives its share of the life force in the form of food, shelter, clothing and security and allows that energy to flow freely to all those around them. If every cell successfully did that, every part of the body of humanity would enjoy physical and mental health. 

Like the body cells cooperating to form a big toe, we don’t know what we and those around us are actually here to achieve, but even though no one knows the meaning of life, we can know what gives life meaning. Life only has meaning when we have a goal to strive for. There has to be a reason for getting out of bed each morning, and so nature has provided us with a goal that gives life meaning for as long as we live. The goal is simple but we have to be constantly alert for distractions if we are to succeed. We are distracted by all sorts of goals that complicate life but, since we are all equal, the primary goal set by nature is the same for each of us. My primary life-long goal is to rid myself of all blockages to the free flow of the Spirit in all its forms. That is the best way I can influence and assist the flow of the energy to and through others. I have no direct control over the flow through others. I can only hope to control the flow through myself, so it is available for others. It is sufficient, and difficult enough, for each person to strive to regard each other as equals, and adopt some norms of nature that are in conflict with the norms of society. This means to rid oneself of the blockages caused by competition and revenge in all its forms, and turn towards assertive achievement and restorative action.

Many people argue that violence is a natural reaction to threats. This means we are born with that protective reaction and therefore we are naturally violent. Since I partly agree with this, I am willing to concede that point but add that we are also born illiterate.
Professor Colman McCarthy of Maryland USA asked his students to write a paper along those lines and he described the response from one student as “a masterpiece of brevity and breadth.” It consisted of just 13 words:

“Why are we violent but not illiterate? Because we are taught to read.”

Does this mean our society is becoming more violent because we teach our kids to be violent? No. The student was pointing out that just as each child is born with the potential to learn to read and write, and gain all the benefits of literacy, each child is born with the potential to learn the ways of nonviolence, and gain all the benefits attached. Violent behaviour comes from not teaching our kids to be nonviolent. That may seem to be a double negative but it isn’t. Most people teach kids to be ‘not violent,’ which is very different to teaching kids to be nonviolent. Teaching kids to be ‘not violent’ may achieve some level of ‘peace’ but it actually perpetuates violence.

The main way most of us teach children to be ‘not violent’ is through the use of punishment or the threat of punishment , which means the natural violent reaction is suppressed by the fear of punishment. Take the fear of punishment away by lowering the chance of being caught or raising the potential reward to be gained and a child is more likely to use violence.

Nonviolence is difficult to define because it is not just the absence of violence. It is the opposite of violence; the antidote of violence. It is an attitude towards other people and to ‘rules of behaviour.’ Nonviolence defies violence and deprives it of any victory. Nonviolence disarms an aggressor without using violence. Nonviolent discipline can be aggressively confrontational, and even take a zero tolerance stand in holding people accountable for their violent behaviour, without resorting to any kind of punishment. Imposing a punishment often sets up a cycle of revenge that prevents any worthwhile lesson being learned. The real consequence of behaviour is the most effective way people learn what acceptable and responsible behaviour is.  

One of the great advantages of nonviolent discipline in the home, school or workplace is the distinction it makes between punishment and consequences, allowing ‘restorative action’ to be taken instead of imposing punishment. This is not just spin because ‘taking restorative action’ and ‘imposing a punishment’ are mutually exclusive opposites. All of us are capable of thinking in both ways, and we do sometimes take restorative action depending on the circumstances of a situation, but we cannot think in both ways at the same time. 

The above could explain why school discipline programs based on restorative practices, such as the Responsible Thinking Classes, are not as effective as they could be. Maybe some of those running the programs are caught up by our cultural addiction to punishment. That could also be the reason why restorative programs in the criminal justice system don’t always produce excellent results. A punishment-minded person cannot effectively operate a program designed to be run by a restorative-minded person.

Parents can introduce kids to the ways of nonviolence in the very first year of a child’s life. School children can be taught the art of nonviolence from day one. And it's never too late to start. It won’t always work in every situation because few parents or teachers have the nonviolence training to recognise how their own attitudes are effected by the institutional, structural and social violence built into the culture we live in. Once we become aware of our own attitude we can help children to live nonviolently in a violent world, and change it.