Conflict is inevitable, even in ‘love relationships’. Resolving conflict can be difficult, even for people centred on improving the quality of a relationship. It’s difficult because the urge to win or to get even for past wrongs is so much a part of our culture. We need to acknowledge that we are under the influence of these urges whenever we are faced with conflict but also be aware we can counteract that influence. 

It’s much easier to resolve a conflict or solve a relationship problem when we start from the cosmic viewpoint that all humans are equal and think about how that should affect what we say and do. When a relationship is grounded in equality, the people involved will centre on the problem, or conflict, at hand, including the emotional effects and any material loss or damage that needs to be put right. In a relationship of equals, there is no competition; no desire to dominate or thought of retribution. However, as soon as one views the other as ‘the enemy’ and begins focusing on winning or seeking revenge, the chances of peacefully resolving the problem takes a nose dive.

Conflicts are more likely to be resolved peacefully when those involved share the same worldview and have common goals. Religious people should have the advantage in this, since they aspire to share the same worldview, but even religions are notoriously competitive on all levels of interaction. This applies from the level of ‘which is the one true religion’ upwards. And resentment over past injustices has lingered between religions for centuries. Even though organised religion has failed to lead the way in conflict resolution, it is possible for anyone to start the ball rolling in their own life.

Even if the other person in a dispute is intent on winning and therefore not interested in equality, any person who is grounded in equality, and centred on the principles of nonviolence, is in a strong position to gain a fair outcome, and turn an ‘enemy’ into a friend. Therefore, when faced with a conflict, the first thing to do is remember that equality is the true ground for human relationships, and then centre on obtaining an outcome consistent with that base.

Once you are grounded and centred, there are four guidelines to peaceful conflict resolution. It’s ironic that if these guidelines were used to guide communication between people in everyday life, there would be few negative conflicts to resolve. The guidelines for conflict resolution (or for avoiding negative conflicts) are:

·         Respect the other person.

·         Listen until the other person’s views are understood.

·         Be open and honest in sharing your own views.

·         Make agreements for the common good. (Seek win/win solutions)


Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

We fight because our culture taught us to fight.  We had no say in what we were taught as children so it’s not our fault that we fight.  However, each of us can do something about the way we handle disagreements now, simply because we have a choice.

Human behaviour is always complicated so let’s simplify it a little by comparing two couples born and raised in the same culture who are faced with the same conflicts in their relationships. Both couples live in a culture that measures success by wealth and power. Both couples are high achievers who want to do well in a society that idolises winners.

Competition and Domination are known as couple number one. These two are lovers who usually walk hand in hand and are seldom apart. Even when they are apart, they continue to flirt with each other. This flirtation can be a lot of fun but sometimes turns nasty, especially when Domination tries to control Competition by imposing revenge or punishment.

Couple number two is comprised of Cooperation and Equality. These two are also lovers who usually walk hand in hand but sometimes they enjoy spending a little time apart or walking separately, confident in the enduring strength and quality of the relationship.

Both of these couples face the same conflicts in their relationships and both are well aware of the guidelines for resolving conflict. The main difference is in the way each couple interprets those guidelines.  People living in a culture that glorifies winning are encouraged to centre on their own needs as they follow the guidelines and use them to gain an advantage over their opponent. Therefore, Competition and Domination have no problem keeping to the guidelines, even though they know their interpretation of the guidelines will result in one of them losing in some way. The four guidelines for conflict resolution are very simple:

1. Respect your opponent.
2. Listen until you understand your opponent’s point of view.
3. Openly and honestly express your point of view.
4. Seek solutions you and your opponent can live with.

 
Cooperation and Equality, on the other hand, try to centre on the relationship itself as they struggle to ignore the competitive influence of the culture they live in. Their aim is to find a solution to the conflict that will improve the quality of their relationship and strengthen it. They sometimes find it difficult to centre on the relationship itself but know they must guard against the training they received in early childhood to be competitive. They know that if they start fighting as they negotiate a solution, it’s because some kind of competition or domination has crept in and caused them to centre as individuals rather than remaining centred on the relationship itself.

People in competitive mode argue to determine who is right and who is wrong. There has to be a winner and a loser, so the aim is to win. Parliament works that way and so does the legal system. People in countless meetings across the country try to convince other members to vote for their ideas as they debate topics and sometimes an argument can become nasty. Over a lifetime, we witness countless movies and hear countless stories about people settling disagreements with the power of words and sometimes with weapons. It is all around us every day of our life so it’s no wonder we fall so easily into the adversarial way of settling a dispute. And it’s no wonder winning has, so far, been so important to us.

Instead of seeing conflict as a competition, we could change what we centre on so we see it as an opportunity to find a cooperative outcome that strengthens the relationship. 

The dynamics of this apply to conflict in any situation and at any level. That is why I use family situations in my book, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness, to promote cooperation and equality.  


Bob Myers.

Alternative medicines are fast gaining acceptance in the western world, partly as a result of the rising awareness of the effect the body has on mental health, and the effect the mind has on physical health. In years gone by a sick person went to the doctor to get a prescription for a magic pill that somehow knew which part of the body to heal. Now a sick person can choose from a wide range of treatments. Acupuncture, meditation, relaxation therapy, massage, physio-therapy, herbal medicines, magnets, aroma therapy, color therapy, essential oils and many more. Traditional medicine tries to find a physical reason for all disease whereas in the alternative medicines, physical health and mental health are very much tied together. This is now being acknowledged in western medicine with the result that more and more doctors are becoming skilled in the alternative methods, to increase their effectiveness in treating patients. 

The new awareness is that disease - physical or mental disharmony - occurs when the flow of the life force through the body is impeded in some way, and the various alternative methods are attempts to clear the blockage, allowing the life force to again flow freely and repair the damaged area. The life force is known by various names, such as the Absolute, electromagnetic energy, bio-energy, the Spirit of God, and so on, but what we call it doesn’t change it in any way. It is what it is. 

Such a wide choice of treatments can be confusing, like trying to choose toothpaste in a supermarket, but all alternative treatments have one thing in common; they basically aim to restore health by freeing up the flow of the life force into and through every part of the body. To the Chinese, the life energy (chi) is split into two, the yin and the yang, and has to not only flow freely but must do so in a balanced way. The various Chinese methods restore the free flow of chi and balance yin and yang to restore physical and mental health. .

From biology we know that every cell in the human body is identical in that it contains all the information required to form a complete human being, and yet each cell is restricted to interacting and communicating with the cells in its immediate vicinity to form a particular body part, perhaps the left big toe or the right ear,. And the cells achieve this without having any idea what a big toe or an ear is; each only knows how to communicate with the cells around it. Each cell retains its own identity, its individualism, and each has needs that must be met at the same time as it communicates and cooperates with all the cells around it so they too meet their needs and achieve their task. None of the cells in a group would know that a human body would result from their cooperative achievement to form skin, nor would the groups of cells forming nerves, or veins, muscle or bone know the end result 

Instead of exchanging words, the communication between cells takes the form of a free-flowing exchange of the energy of life, with each cell not only receiving the energy but acts as the channel supplying the energy to all the cells it comes into contact with. Cells wither when blockages occur that stop this flow of the energy of life, and if the blockage continues to cause cells to wither, a diseased area develops. A serious blockage can lead to serious disease and even to death. The various alternative medicines and methods attempt to get rid of the blockage to allow the life force to flow to the damaged area and restore it to health. A deliberate attempt to do this is called ‘taking restorative action’. 

In the bigger picture, people with a holistic worldview regard all people as being joined together to form the one ‘body of humanity’ or what Christians refer to as the body of Christ, and each person’s health is of equal importance in contributing to the health and welfare of the whole body. Using this analogy, everything said before about the importance of each cell in providing a path for the free flow of the life force to other cells in the human body applies in the body of humanity. Each cell in the body of humanity is then relying on all other cells to deliver what it needs, and is relied on by others to provide a path for the free flow of the life force to them.

Blockages are more visible in the body of humanity and take many forms. There are blockages in communication, money and possessions. There are blockages in the free distribution of the earth’s wealth or food resources. Governments and individuals accumulate huge fortunes while millions starve to death. Foreign governments and commercial interests extract the mineral wealth from countries like West Papua and turn a blind eye to the violations of the rights of the indigenous people. Along with the tangible effects of these blockages of the life force, there are the emotional and psychological effects on the sense of importance and belonging that come from people feeling they matter, or don’t matter, to the rest of the world. Some governments are being dragged screaming and kicking into doing something about the adverse effects industry is having on these people but it seems to happen only after the exploitation has been made public knowledge, or when there is a real danger of losing power if they don’t appear to be doing something.

Groups of cells in the body of humanity sometimes use force to clear these blockages but too often they are not intent on freeing up the flow of the life force to benefit all parts of the body. They are intent on taking control of the blockages for their own benefit and have little or no regard for the health or welfare of others. For example, armies highjack food supplies meant for the relief of famine-affected areas, sell it on the black market and pocket the proceeds.

Communication blockages rip marriages apart, disrupt family life, wreck businesses, and cause conflict in all sorts of relationships, including international conflicts. Blockages in understanding, tolerance and openness to the truth of others lead to people becoming prisoners in castles of beliefs, blindly defending them and cutting off all efforts to seek reconciliation. The behaviour of many members of the three ‘religions of the word’ provide a classic example of this type of blockage. A free flowing of compassion, understanding and forgiveness is essential in establishing quality relationships and therefore to good mental and physical health.

A happy and healthy cell in the body of humanity is one that receives its share of the life force in the form of food, shelter, clothing and security and allows that energy to flow freely to all those around them. If every cell successfully did that, every part of the body of humanity would enjoy physical and mental health. 

Like the body cells cooperating to form a big toe, we don’t know what we and those around us are actually here to achieve, but even though no one knows the meaning of life, we can know what gives life meaning. Life only has meaning when we have a goal to strive for. There has to be a reason for getting out of bed each morning, and so nature has provided us with a goal that gives life meaning for as long as we live. The goal is simple but we have to be constantly alert for distractions if we are to succeed. We are distracted by all sorts of goals that complicate life but, since we are all equal, the primary goal set by nature is the same for each of us. My primary life-long goal is to rid myself of all blockages to the free flow of the Spirit in all its forms. That is the best way I can influence and assist the flow of the energy to and through others. I have no direct control over the flow through others. I can only hope to control the flow through myself, so it is available for others. It is sufficient, and difficult enough, for each person to strive to regard each other as equals, and adopt some norms of nature that are in conflict with the norms of society. This means to rid oneself of the blockages caused by competition and revenge in all its forms, and turn towards assertive achievement and restorative action.

Many people argue that violence is a natural reaction to threats. This means we are born with that protective reaction and therefore we are naturally violent. Since I partly agree with this, I am willing to concede that point but add that we are also born illiterate.
Professor Colman McCarthy of Maryland USA asked his students to write a paper along those lines and he described the response from one student as “a masterpiece of brevity and breadth.” It consisted of just 13 words:

“Why are we violent but not illiterate? Because we are taught to read.”

Does this mean our society is becoming more violent because we teach our kids to be violent? No. The student was pointing out that just as each child is born with the potential to learn to read and write, and gain all the benefits of literacy, each child is born with the potential to learn the ways of nonviolence, and gain all the benefits attached. Violent behaviour comes from not teaching our kids to be nonviolent. That may seem to be a double negative but it isn’t. Most people teach kids to be ‘not violent,’ which is very different to teaching kids to be nonviolent. Teaching kids to be ‘not violent’ may achieve some level of ‘peace’ but it actually perpetuates violence.

The main way most of us teach children to be ‘not violent’ is through the use of punishment or the threat of punishment , which means the natural violent reaction is suppressed by the fear of punishment. Take the fear of punishment away by lowering the chance of being caught or raising the potential reward to be gained and a child is more likely to use violence.

Nonviolence is difficult to define because it is not just the absence of violence. It is the opposite of violence; the antidote of violence. It is an attitude towards other people and to ‘rules of behaviour.’ Nonviolence defies violence and deprives it of any victory. Nonviolence disarms an aggressor without using violence. Nonviolent discipline can be aggressively confrontational, and even take a zero tolerance stand in holding people accountable for their violent behaviour, without resorting to any kind of punishment. Imposing a punishment often sets up a cycle of revenge that prevents any worthwhile lesson being learned. The real consequence of behaviour is the most effective way people learn what acceptable and responsible behaviour is.  

One of the great advantages of nonviolent discipline in the home, school or workplace is the distinction it makes between punishment and consequences, allowing ‘restorative action’ to be taken instead of imposing punishment. This is not just spin because ‘taking restorative action’ and ‘imposing a punishment’ are mutually exclusive opposites. All of us are capable of thinking in both ways, and we do sometimes take restorative action depending on the circumstances of a situation, but we cannot think in both ways at the same time. 

The above could explain why school discipline programs based on restorative practices, such as the Responsible Thinking Classes, are not as effective as they could be. Maybe some of those running the programs are caught up by our cultural addiction to punishment. That could also be the reason why restorative programs in the criminal justice system don’t always produce excellent results. A punishment-minded person cannot effectively operate a program designed to be run by a restorative-minded person.

Parents can introduce kids to the ways of nonviolence in the very first year of a child’s life. School children can be taught the art of nonviolence from day one. And it's never too late to start. It won’t always work in every situation because few parents or teachers have the nonviolence training to recognise how their own attitudes are effected by the institutional, structural and social violence built into the culture we live in. Once we become aware of our own attitude we can help children to live nonviolently in a violent world, and change it.