Blog promoting the spirituality and practice of nonviolence and equality in relationships.

HOW TO GAIN TRUST. By Bob Myers.

28/5/2014

Trust is closely related to love and, like love, we may receive trust without doing anything to earn it. And we may trust other people without them doing anything to earn our trust. However, there are few people, if any, we would trust absolutely, and there are few people, if any, who would trust us completely. Some people trust us with a little more, and we trust some others with a little more. That’s how society works.

Sometimes it’s easy to gain more trust and sometimes it’s extremely difficult, depending on the person’s previous experiences of trusting others. Some people will freely give more trust but not if they have ‘been there, done that’ and been betrayed many times. Generally speaking, a small level of trust is freely given as a test and if you want any more, you have to earn it. Some people's experience is such that they find it too threatening to trust anyone with any more than what is necessary to ‘be polite’. For that reason, patience is the first requirement for gaining the trust of anyone, because it may take a long time.

When we receive trust, we receive the power to do great harm to those who trust us and therefore we need to show we deserve their trust. The giving of trust and being worthy of the trust is the link to love; forming a spiritual bond between individuals.

So, patience is the first requirement for gaining trust. Take your time and remind yourself that trust is a gift; not a right.

Use that time to make the other person feel safe with you and from you. Not just from physical harm but from emotional, psychological and spiritual harm. The easiest and most effective way of achieving that is by using manners. Manners help establish trust and a sense of security. Manners form the base for mutual respect, establishing a culture of equality and cooperation. Manners also lead to other useful tools such as the guidelines for resolving conflict, the guidelines for making rules people are likely to keep to, and the restorative action that does away with tools like manipulation, punishment, revenge and power struggles. All that can come from using basic manners.

Gaining trust means being worthy of trust. That means always being reliable – keep your word – be on time – be open and honest – make an effort to know the needs of people and be available to help – and be sincere in saying why you can’t help with some things. Always be willing to offer an apology when you are wrong and take responsibility for your actions.

To sum up, many people might just trust you, so there is no need to win their trust. You only have to be trustworthy and not let them down. However, if you are trying to win back trust, or win it for the first time, you first need to take it slow, especially if the person you want that trust from has been betrayed many times and finds it difficult to trust anybody.

If there is a problem to be worked out, be mindful of maintaining the dignity of other people, or maybe allow them to maintain dignity by ‘saving face’. Clearly identify what you are concerned about and why you need to share the problem with them. If there is a wrong to be righted, do it through restorative action, while being open and honest, especially about anything you did that contributed to causing the problem.

Photo: Norlangie Park, N.T. Australia.

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WHAT THE HELL IS ATTITUDE? By Bob Myers

28/5/2014

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A builder told me he didn’t like the attitude of a third-year apprentice on his payroll. That statement didn’t give me any idea of what the issue was and, if that was said to the apprentice, I’m sure he wouldn’t know either. So I asked the builder what he meant. Apparently the apprentice often took the ‘near enough is good enough’ approach to his carpentry and dismissed the builder’s criticisms about quality as ‘being too fussy’. Part of the builder’s annoyance came from knowing the apprentice had the skills and knowledge to do better, if he just took a little more care.

An attitude doesn’t exist in isolation; it is an attitude towards 'something', which can be a particular object or person, or just life in general. An attitude comes from beliefs, values and feelings and is expressed in actions. The attitude towards something in the immediate situation comes from beliefs, values and feelings about that particular thing, from whatever else is happening in the person’s life right now; and from the person’s deep-seated beliefs, values and feelings about life in general. Attitude is therefore complex.

It seemed to me that the builder was referring to two attitudes. One was the attitude towards the quality of the work and the other was the attitude towards authority. In the early 1990s, the workplace adopted what was called Competency-based Training. To obtain a job, prospective workers needed a certificate that verified they were competent in that role. To get the certificate they had to be deemed to have the skills, knowledge and attitude to perform certain tasks in a range of circumstances.

Training organisations developed programs that detailed exactly what skills, knowledge and attitudes to pass on so the students got the certificate. It all looked great on paper but there was a major problem. It’s relatively easy to teach someone of average intelligence the skills and knowledge needed to do a job, but it’s impossible to teach attitude. We can teach about attitude but a person’s attitude develops from within, and attitude determines the quality of what we do, whether the task is to join two pieces of wood or establish a relationship.

Part of the problem is that skills and knowledge are directly related to the task at hand but attitude is a combination of general beliefs, values and feelings. A person can have the skills and knowledge to produce quality results but has a toothache, or is running late for an appointment and can’t be bothered about quality.

Culture is a major factor in regard to performing a task and may greatly affect the quality of the outcome. A person may have the skills, knowledge, and desire to do something well, but this may not be enough to overcome deeply held beliefs and values pulling them in a different direction. No matter what position a person holds and no matter how competent that person normally is, deeply held beliefs, values and feelings can suddenly surface and affect the quality of work or relationships.

Broadly speaking, quality outcomes are either motivated by the desire to gain external rewards or internal rewards. The first could be called a strategy for a purpose, and the second could be called a spiritual necessity: material gain versus a sense of satisfaction and pride from a job well done, and this increases self-esteem.

Most people act from either of those motivations, depending on the situation. However, the emphasis in the work situation seems to favour attitude as a strategy for achieving a goal. Being polite and helpful in discussing differences then reflects beliefs and values about money or keeping a job, rather than caring about people or relationships. Being polite and helpful may quickly cease and the people involved can become embroiled in a bitter conflict over a relatively small matter. However, if the politeness and helpfulness was reflecting deeply held beliefs and values about human relationships, there would be little chance of disputes getting out of hand. Winning a point is then less important than having a good relationship with other workers.

Photo: Replica submarine in South Australia.

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SITUATIONS CHANGE BUT PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. By Bob Myers.

28/5/2014

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People come in many shapes, sizes, ages, and colours but they are all human. People gather in a variety of situations with all kinds of people, but each remains human. And whenever two or more humans gather - at home, at play or at work - there are always problems and conflicts requiring a response from each. Each person’s response is affected by different levels of power, duty, knowledge and skills, as well as the different beliefs, values and culture of each person. But, no matter what form the response takes, it is a human response.

My book, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness, looks at the sameness of being human and sets out the fundamental tools we need for dealing with problems and conflicts in life. The family is the setting for describing the use of each tool because everyone has some knowledge of family life and an opinion about how the various members of a family should act and be treated. For other settings, such as work or play, the challenge for all of us is to recognise the humanness of the people involved and consciously use the same fundamental tools, albeit in different ways. The fundamental tools are:

GROUNDED LOVE.
Grounded love is the first and most important tool. It is love grounded in equality that guides the use of all the tools described in the book. ‘Love’ includes virtues such as respect, assertiveness, care, protection, compassion and cooperation.

In the home and personal life it can be emotional love. In a group or work situation, it is generally referred to as our duty of care, which may have a minimum level enshrined in law.

A culture of equality can exist even though people have different duties, responsibilities, skills and knowledge, and they need the authority to perform those duties and meet their responsibilities.

MANNERS.
Manners are used to establish trust and a sense of security. Manners form the base for mutual respect, establishing a culture of equality and cooperation. Manners lead to other useful tools such as the guidelines for resolving conflict, the guidelines for making rules people are likely to keep to, and the restorative action that does away with tools like manipulation, punishment, revenge and power struggles.

EXAMPLE.
Regardless of the setting, example is the most effective way to teach and convey expectations of what to do and how to do it. Example is sometimes described as: walking the talk; practicing what you preach; showing how it can be done; and being the change you want to see happen.

CENTRING.

Centring is focusing on something that helps you achieve the outcome you want. Sometimes it means focusing on the outcome itself and sometimes it means focusing on something seemingly unrelated to the outcome. Centring is a state of mind in which a person, the action and the outcome seem to become one.

The overall aim of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness is for Grounded Love, Manners, Example, Centring and all other tools and skills they lead to, will cease being regarded as tools, and become the normal way of relating to other people, regardless of their shape, size, age or colour.

Photo: Kakadu National Park N.T.

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HAPPINESS REALLY IS OUR CHOICE. By Bob Myers.

26/5/2014

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Peace and happiness isn’t about being free from pain, suffering, disputes or conflict. Peace and happiness depends on the quality of our relationship with other people, with the environment and with the cosmos. The good news is that peace and happiness increases as we become more aware of our true place in the scheme of things and work to preserve it. The pain and suffering, disputes and conflict that can be part of everyday life then becomes easier to cope with.

People gain awareness of this in various ways. Some gain it through religion, others through science and some gain it through everyday experience. Many would probably say they gained it through a combination of all the above. But regardless of how it happens, the awareness is of peace and happiness increasing as we improve the quality of our relationships.

Most human spiritual and social development is the result of reflecting on the consequences of what we say and do; what others say and do; what happens in our environment; and on cosmic events. However, the direction our development takes depends on what we centre on as we reflect on these things. Choosing what to centre on is crucial to the quality of our relationships and is a decision that needs to be made many times each day, for as long as we live.

Each decision comes at the junction of two possible paths. One path leads to the enduring peace and happiness that continues even though there may be trouble and strife. The other path leads to instant pleasure and temporary relief from life’s problems. Everyone comes to these junctions and must face the same decision many times every day throughout life.

The choice is to centre on our own needs, or to centre on the needs of the relationship. Regardless of whether the ‘other’ is a person, the environment or the cosmos, centring only on our own needs is at the expense of the other and damages the quality of the relationship. The consequence of that damage may not be immediately apparent, but it does exist. The next junction reached may be only seconds away, where we again have to decide between increasing the damage done at the previous junction or take the other path.

Nature and the cosmos are very forgiving and will allow us to simply start again at each junction throughout life. However, other people at each junction have a choice. They may allow us to simply start again; they may impose some condition before resuming the relationship; or they may terminate the relationship. The quality of our relationships, and therefore our happiness, really is our choice.

Photo: North Island New Zealand.

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WHEN DOES A SMACK BECOME CHILD ABUSE?

17/5/2014

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By Bob Myers.

Questions about the rights and responsibilities of parents are often raised in regard to discipline and smacking children. Many people believe there is nothing wrong with the age-old custom of smacking or giving a ‘whack with a wooden spoon.’ Many claim that parents should be able to discipline their kids how they please, within reason. Supporters of physical punishment maintain that there is a difference between child abuse and smacking and that the laws concerning child abuse are sufficient to protect children. A common theme is that ‘I was smacked as a child and it didn’t do me any harm.’

People generally agree about the need for discipline, and that there is a difference between a smack and child abuse. However, it isn't always clear how those who believe in physical punishment can decide when the line between the two is crossed. More about my suggestion on that below.

It's not surprising that some people still believe parents should have the right to smack their children because smacking wasn't questioned up to fairly recently, and most of us felt the odd whack or two as children. Most parents have probably at least threatened to smack their children. I smacked my kids when they were little, partly because I thought that was what parents were supposed to do, and partly because I didn’t know what else to do. Fortunately, I discovered there are other ways that work better.

There are many definitions of discipline and some of them support the use of physical punishment. This could be because so many people associate the word ‘discipline’ with punishment, and dictionary definitions usually reflect the common usage of a word. The definition of discipline I use in my books, because it best describes the real task for parents, is: Discipline means to teach, assist, and guide children to become self-controlled. For kids to become truly self-controlled, we have to help them develop a positive attitude towards rules and authority figures, so they will choose to keep to the rules because they provide safety or fairness.

Smacking, along with other kinds of punishment, keeps the parent in control of the child instead of using methods that gradually help the child to have self control. Punishment takes the child’s attention away from the positive reasons for keeping to rules and tends to hinder the development of real self-control. Punishment may only teach the child to avoid getting caught.

Another major reason for not using punishment is that punishment is based on the principle that it’s OK to control a child by inflicting some degree of pain, suffering or discomfort, which I like to believe parents would only do if they can’t think of a better way. The principle that says it's OK to control others by inflicting pain and suffering is the principle behind extremes such as terrorism and extortion. Although it would be stupid to associate smacking with terrorism, my concern is that when we teach a child a principle like that, we have no way of knowing - and no control over - how far down that road the child will go when trying to control the behaviour of other people later in life.

I would suggest that the line between smacking and abuse is crossed if the parent knows there are better ways to teach, assist and guide children to become self-controlled but refuses to learn those ways, or the parent knows those better ways and chooses not to use them. My books, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness, and Enjoy Parenting Teenagers present many simple ways to help kids develop a positive attitude to rules and authority figures, and maintains that it is never too late to start.

Photo by Microsoft.

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DOES FEMINISM HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH BEING FEMALE?

12/5/2014

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Some say feminism is about the fair distribution of power. Others say feminism is about the nonviolent use of power and nonviolent resistance to the abuse of power. Some say feminism is about empowering women.

There are many versions of feminism and that makes it difficult to say precisely what it is all about. However, it seems that most feminists agree that it promotes gender equality and, therefore, seeks to strengthen the status of women. That, unfortunately, doesn’t mean feminists believe all people are equal. A feminist can believe in gender equality in a very unequal social system, as long as male and female have equal opportunities, and experience equal consequences for their efforts.

Feminism is about changing the present patriarchal system , with its emphasis on power being ‘power-over’. However, that type of feminism seems to be too narrow in its focus. Many feminists reject the patriarchal aspect of society but readily accept the structural and systemic inequality of a status system. This leaves the way open for a matriarchal system to develop, which would just change the roles of the players in the game called ‘Domination’, without solving the problem of gender inequality. Nor would it solve problems such as domestic violence, or any of the other social diseases so many studies have linked to inequality.

To be effective in achieving gender equality, feminism should seek to change the underlying assumption that power is about having power over others and the environment. Gender equality is a noble and worthwhile aim but many great feminists, male and female, have advocated that all people are equal and this obviously includes gender equality. This brand of feminism is committed to convincing people to think of power in terms of having power with other people and the environment rather than having power over other people and the environment. It seeks to apply this in the family, workplace, business, and community.

‘Power’ refers to the ability to produce an outcome.

‘Power over people’ refers to the use of power to control the actions of other people, by allowing or withholding what they need.

‘Power with people’ refers to people sharing their powers to meet the needs of all those involved.

‘Power from within’ refers to the sense of having the knowledge and skills to meet one’s own needs. This is why education is so important for achieving gender equality. Not just academic education but the whole range of life skills necessary for people, especially women, to feel confident in their ability to solve life’s problems and achieve their ambitions. In countries where men resist gender equality, the education of women is quite often banned.

‘Power from within’ also includes the power flowing from the sense of belonging; being part of - or connected to - other people, nature, the universe or God. People fortunate enough to feel the power flowing into them from strong connections to nature and the cosmos have strong self-esteem and self-confidence. They can share this inner strength with others endlessly because it is limitless and is often expressed in the ‘people power’ movements that counteract the ‘power over’ tactics others use in attempting to dominate.

By Bob Myers.

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WHAT IS LISTENING?

5/5/2014

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I find that many people quickly become bored reading about communication, even though good communication is the most important skill we need for forming and maintaining good relationships. Communication and conflict resolution relies heavily on both talking and listening but since I may only have a short time before losing your attention, I will give just one example in answer to the question, ’What is listening?’

I want you to imagine your life is in danger and you have been sent to see a man who has an important message for you. You believe your life depends on understanding his message. He unfortunately has a speech impediment and, for that reason, many of his words are impossible to understand. Then you discover he can’t write.

How would you listen? I imagine you would listen intently to the few words you can understand. You would listen to the pitch and tone of his voice, and quickly discover you have the senses of smell, feel and sight to listen with. In order to save your life, you would watch every facial expression, hand gesture and body movement. You would take note of his emotional state and anything your senses picked up as a possible clue until you believed you completely understood the message.

However, you would not then take a chance on how accurate your understanding is and just walk away. You would seek to confirm with him, as best you could, what your understanding of the message is; which he can then confirm or deny. You would continue to seek understanding and checking the accuracy of that understanding until you did get it right. That is listening.

By Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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Author

Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.

HOW TO GAIN TRUST. By Bob Myers.

WHAT THE HELL IS ATTITUDE? By Bob Myers

SITUATIONS CHANGE BUT PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. By Bob Myers.

HAPPINESS REALLY IS OUR CHOICE. By Bob Myers.

WHEN DOES A SMACK BECOME CHILD ABUSE?

DOES FEMINISM HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH BEING FEMALE?

WHAT IS LISTENING?

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