I find that many people quickly become bored reading about communication, even though good communication is the most important skill we need for forming and maintaining good relationships. Communication and conflict resolution relies heavily on both talking and listening but since I may only have a short time before losing your attention, I will give just one example in answer to the question, ’What is listening?’

I want you to imagine your life is in danger and you have been sent to see a man who has an important message for you. You believe your life depends on understanding his message. He unfortunately has a speech impediment and, for that reason, many of his words are impossible to understand. Then you discover he can’t write.

How would you listen? I imagine you would listen intently to the few words you can understand. You would listen to the pitch and tone of his voice, and quickly discover you have the senses of smell, feel and sight to listen with. In order to save your life, you would watch every facial expression, hand gesture and body movement. You would take note of his emotional state and anything your senses picked up as a possible clue until you believed you completely understood the message.

However, you would not then take a chance on how accurate your understanding is and just walk away. You would seek to confirm with him, as best you could, what your understanding of the message is; which he can then confirm or deny. You would continue to seek understanding and checking the accuracy of that understanding until you did get it right. That is listening.


By Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

By Bob Myers.

Just because people live in the same house doesn’t mean they live in the same world. There are numerous examples of this from listening to people describing a situation.  Two people describing how a dispute started can have entirely different stories; supporters of opposing sides describing a football match seem to have watched different games; and witnesses to a crime can’t agree whether the culprit was a small female or a large bearded male. 

People communicate from their own interests, abilities and the meanings they have for things. So, two people can interpret a scenario very differently. You are the expert on your needs, and how you would like those needs to be met. No one else knows your problems like you do, because you live those problems, and you know what you can do and what you can't do. Each person is an expert on their own needs, so we should all listen to the experts. Some of the reasons we don’t listen are:

1.            We think that ‘to listen’ means ‘to agree’ with what is being said.

2.            We already know the answer to the problem and can’t wait to reveal it.

3.            We are afraid if we listen we might come to agree and have to change.

4.            We have to win every argument because we lose face when we lose an argument.

5.            We have slipped into the habit of letting our thoughts wander to other things.

6.            We are too busy thinking up what we are going to say as soon as we get the chance.

The list could go on but these will do to illustrate the point that listening is not easy. You have to put effort into listening so you understand the other person's world. Then you can check your understanding by asking the expert; the person you were listening to. Simply say what you believe was meant by what was said. In other words, paraphrase to make sure you understood the message. ‘Now let me see if I heard you correctly. What you said was......... and you were frustrated by this. Is that right?’ The person will either say, ‘Yes, that's exactly right’ or will correct you until you get it right.

When you listen to others you can expect to be shown the same courtesy. If you are interrupted, say something like, ‘I listened to you so I could understand your view and now I want you to do the same for me’. Another advantage is that your reply is based on a sound understanding of the other person's views. You have more influence because the points you raise can include their views; what you disagree with and what you agree with. You may find that the area of dispute will shrink considerably because understanding brings out the virtue of compassion, which cannot live alongside aggression.

Being open and honest about your view generally leads to identifying the real problem. Unfortunately our competitive world teaches us to hold back and not trust each other with information that could be used against us. Putting the viewpoint in terms of safety and fairness helps get over this hurdle because it’s easier and less threatening. Being open and honest means taking a chance.

The usual image people have of conflict involves some form of violence or heated argument but conflict can be as simply as two people wanting to use the toothpaste at the same time. You may think these minor incidents are too insignificant to qualify as conflicts but they can provide a clue to problems in the relationship. It isn't the size of the incident that matters. The way it’s handled can lead to a big blow-up. The use of the toothpaste may be the trigger that ignites a powder keg of resentment about an unequal relationship in which one has 'had enough'. It could also be the focal point of a clash of egos that could end in bloodshed because each is driven to maintain dignity or self-esteem.

Regardless of whether we are talking about conflict in a family, at work or community, the same deceptively simple conflict resolution guidelines apply. People who respect each other listen until they understand the other’s views before honestly stating their own views, tend to seek solutions that meet the needs of all involved.

Conflict is inevitable, even in ‘love relationships’. Resolving conflict can be difficult, even for people centred on improving the quality of a relationship. It’s difficult because the urge to win or to get even for past wrongs is so much a part of our culture. We need to acknowledge that we are under the influence of these urges whenever we are faced with conflict but also be aware we can counteract that influence. 

It’s much easier to resolve a conflict or solve a relationship problem when we start from the cosmic viewpoint that all humans are equal and think about how that should affect what we say and do. When a relationship is grounded in equality, the people involved will centre on the problem, or conflict, at hand, including the emotional effects and any material loss or damage that needs to be put right. In a relationship of equals, there is no competition; no desire to dominate or thought of retribution. However, as soon as one views the other as ‘the enemy’ and begins focusing on winning or seeking revenge, the chances of peacefully resolving the problem takes a nose dive.

Conflicts are more likely to be resolved peacefully when those involved share the same worldview and have common goals. Religious people should have the advantage in this, since they aspire to share the same worldview, but even religions are notoriously competitive on all levels of interaction. This applies from the level of ‘which is the one true religion’ upwards. And resentment over past injustices has lingered between religions for centuries. Even though organised religion has failed to lead the way in conflict resolution, it is possible for anyone to start the ball rolling in their own life.

Even if the other person in a dispute is intent on winning and therefore not interested in equality, any person who is grounded in equality, and centred on the principles of nonviolence, is in a strong position to gain a fair outcome, and turn an ‘enemy’ into a friend. Therefore, when faced with a conflict, the first thing to do is remember that equality is the true ground for human relationships, and then centre on obtaining an outcome consistent with that base.

Once you are grounded and centred, there are four guidelines to peaceful conflict resolution. It’s ironic that if these guidelines were used to guide communication between people in everyday life, there would be few negative conflicts to resolve. The guidelines for conflict resolution (or for avoiding negative conflicts) are:

·         Respect the other person.

·         Listen until the other person’s views are understood.

·         Be open and honest in sharing your own views.

·         Make agreements for the common good. (Seek win/win solutions)


Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

NEW RELATIONSHIP BUILDING EBOOK to boost parents' confidence and self-esteem.

Family relationship problems? My new eBook on family problems is invaluable for parents or for anyone filling the parenting role temporarily or permanently.

I know from long experience that parents want easy-to-understand ways of coping when faced with the everyday difficulties adolescent children experience. This book makes complex theory simple, and explains how to build, maintain, repair and strengthen relationships with teenagers.

While acknowledging that parents are the real 'experts' in dealing with their families, this self improvement eBook encourages parents to take control of the parenting situation by taking control of their own actions and reactions. It describes how to remove destructive conflict from parent/child relationships and identifies the traps that block good communication.

Every child can be thought of as an apprentice adult and the adolescent child can be thought of as very nearly through that apprenticeship. You have passed on many of the skills needed for your child to make a good job of being an adult and the time is very near for some solo flying practice. However, there are just a few things that need tweaking during this period of 'letting go'. 

Parents, teachers, residential youth workers and anyone working with young people will find much in this conflict transformation book to support them in the often difficult task of teaching, guiding and assisting children prepare for life as responsible independent adults.

Bob Myers.

Alternative medicines are fast gaining acceptance in the western world, partly as a result of the rising awareness of the effect the body has on mental health, and the effect the mind has on physical health. In years gone by a sick person went to the doctor to get a prescription for a magic pill that somehow knew which part of the body to heal. Now a sick person can choose from a wide range of treatments. Acupuncture, meditation, relaxation therapy, massage, physio-therapy, herbal medicines, magnets, aroma therapy, color therapy, essential oils and many more. Traditional medicine tries to find a physical reason for all disease whereas in the alternative medicines, physical health and mental health are very much tied together. This is now being acknowledged in western medicine with the result that more and more doctors are becoming skilled in the alternative methods, to increase their effectiveness in treating patients. 

The new awareness is that disease - physical or mental disharmony - occurs when the flow of the life force through the body is impeded in some way, and the various alternative methods are attempts to clear the blockage, allowing the life force to again flow freely and repair the damaged area. The life force is known by various names, such as the Absolute, electromagnetic energy, bio-energy, the Spirit of God, and so on, but what we call it doesn’t change it in any way. It is what it is. 

Such a wide choice of treatments can be confusing, like trying to choose toothpaste in a supermarket, but all alternative treatments have one thing in common; they basically aim to restore health by freeing up the flow of the life force into and through every part of the body. To the Chinese, the life energy (chi) is split into two, the yin and the yang, and has to not only flow freely but must do so in a balanced way. The various Chinese methods restore the free flow of chi and balance yin and yang to restore physical and mental health. .

From biology we know that every cell in the human body is identical in that it contains all the information required to form a complete human being, and yet each cell is restricted to interacting and communicating with the cells in its immediate vicinity to form a particular body part, perhaps the left big toe or the right ear,. And the cells achieve this without having any idea what a big toe or an ear is; each only knows how to communicate with the cells around it. Each cell retains its own identity, its individualism, and each has needs that must be met at the same time as it communicates and cooperates with all the cells around it so they too meet their needs and achieve their task. None of the cells in a group would know that a human body would result from their cooperative achievement to form skin, nor would the groups of cells forming nerves, or veins, muscle or bone know the end result 

Instead of exchanging words, the communication between cells takes the form of a free-flowing exchange of the energy of life, with each cell not only receiving the energy but acts as the channel supplying the energy to all the cells it comes into contact with. Cells wither when blockages occur that stop this flow of the energy of life, and if the blockage continues to cause cells to wither, a diseased area develops. A serious blockage can lead to serious disease and even to death. The various alternative medicines and methods attempt to get rid of the blockage to allow the life force to flow to the damaged area and restore it to health. A deliberate attempt to do this is called ‘taking restorative action’. 

In the bigger picture, people with a holistic worldview regard all people as being joined together to form the one ‘body of humanity’ or what Christians refer to as the body of Christ, and each person’s health is of equal importance in contributing to the health and welfare of the whole body. Using this analogy, everything said before about the importance of each cell in providing a path for the free flow of the life force to other cells in the human body applies in the body of humanity. Each cell in the body of humanity is then relying on all other cells to deliver what it needs, and is relied on by others to provide a path for the free flow of the life force to them.

Blockages are more visible in the body of humanity and take many forms. There are blockages in communication, money and possessions. There are blockages in the free distribution of the earth’s wealth or food resources. Governments and individuals accumulate huge fortunes while millions starve to death. Foreign governments and commercial interests extract the mineral wealth from countries like West Papua and turn a blind eye to the violations of the rights of the indigenous people. Along with the tangible effects of these blockages of the life force, there are the emotional and psychological effects on the sense of importance and belonging that come from people feeling they matter, or don’t matter, to the rest of the world. Some governments are being dragged screaming and kicking into doing something about the adverse effects industry is having on these people but it seems to happen only after the exploitation has been made public knowledge, or when there is a real danger of losing power if they don’t appear to be doing something.

Groups of cells in the body of humanity sometimes use force to clear these blockages but too often they are not intent on freeing up the flow of the life force to benefit all parts of the body. They are intent on taking control of the blockages for their own benefit and have little or no regard for the health or welfare of others. For example, armies highjack food supplies meant for the relief of famine-affected areas, sell it on the black market and pocket the proceeds.

Communication blockages rip marriages apart, disrupt family life, wreck businesses, and cause conflict in all sorts of relationships, including international conflicts. Blockages in understanding, tolerance and openness to the truth of others lead to people becoming prisoners in castles of beliefs, blindly defending them and cutting off all efforts to seek reconciliation. The behaviour of many members of the three ‘religions of the word’ provide a classic example of this type of blockage. A free flowing of compassion, understanding and forgiveness is essential in establishing quality relationships and therefore to good mental and physical health.

A happy and healthy cell in the body of humanity is one that receives its share of the life force in the form of food, shelter, clothing and security and allows that energy to flow freely to all those around them. If every cell successfully did that, every part of the body of humanity would enjoy physical and mental health. 

Like the body cells cooperating to form a big toe, we don’t know what we and those around us are actually here to achieve, but even though no one knows the meaning of life, we can know what gives life meaning. Life only has meaning when we have a goal to strive for. There has to be a reason for getting out of bed each morning, and so nature has provided us with a goal that gives life meaning for as long as we live. The goal is simple but we have to be constantly alert for distractions if we are to succeed. We are distracted by all sorts of goals that complicate life but, since we are all equal, the primary goal set by nature is the same for each of us. My primary life-long goal is to rid myself of all blockages to the free flow of the Spirit in all its forms. That is the best way I can influence and assist the flow of the energy to and through others. I have no direct control over the flow through others. I can only hope to control the flow through myself, so it is available for others. It is sufficient, and difficult enough, for each person to strive to regard each other as equals, and adopt some norms of nature that are in conflict with the norms of society. This means to rid oneself of the blockages caused by competition and revenge in all its forms, and turn towards assertive achievement and restorative action.

In a three-minute introduction, an MC spoke in glowing terms about the guest speaker’s attributes and accomplishments, and at the very end winked to the audience. That single wink reversed three hundred words and maybe led the audience to doubt anything the speaker subsequently said. Why is a single action so powerful?

While driving across a desert in Western Australia, my wife and I came across two Japanese bikers who obviously had a problem. Neither of them spoke English and we didn’t speak Japanese but we soon worked out that one had fallen and damaged his ankle. We convinced them to leave one motorbike hidden behind a bush while we transported the injured rider to a roadhouse, where the Flying Doctor Service could be contacted. The second rider could then bring someone back to retrieve the bike. All this was achieved without understanding one word of each other’s language. How can people communicate all that without words?

According to communication theory, words convey only 7% of a communication. Vocals such as pitch, tone and volume account for 38% and the other 55% is made up of non-verbals, such as gestures, facial expressions, posture and so on. When reading, we have to use imagination because none of the vocals are there to help us understand what is written. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes our imagination is way off target. Combining a speaker’s words and vocals gives verbals 45%, which means there is only a 10% difference between verbals and non-verbals and yet we take much more notice of non-verbals than we do of verbals. Why?

Lucy is the name given to Ethiopia's world-acclaimed archaeological find. Lucy’s almost complete hominid skeleton was dug up in 1974, and was estimated to be at least 3.2 million years old. Hominids are the family of primates from which humans supposedly emerged about 200,000 years ago. The ability to use language defines what is known as ‘modern humans’, but language, as we know it, has only been around for about 35,000 years This means that for 165,000 years people communicated with each other non-verbally, with gestures, expressions, and movements, as well as the pitch, tone and volume of grunts. So, for the vast majority of human history our ancestors relied on reading the signs of human behaviour, and the signs in nature, to understand the world they lived in. The human race has had far more experience communicating in, and learning from, non-verbals than from words. It’s no wonder we place more importance on non-verbals and trust them when someone’s words and actions don’t match up. As the saying goes, ‘actions speak louder than words’.

Archaeologists claim that  religion has been part of human existence for at least 70,000 years, which means that for 35,000 years before language fully developed, people believed in life after death and buried things with people to help them in that life. It doesn’t seem logical that God would only start communicating with people after they invented language; less than 25% of human history. Wasn’t God capable of communicating before human language developed? Were humans smart enough to try to communicate with God, but God had no way to communicate with humans? The communication theory mentioned above suggests that God could use non-verbals to communicate very effectively with people, and did so for all of the time before language was invented. The medium for that communication was the natural environment.

People felt they were part of the land and of nature in general. They were as one in spirit with the plants and animals and could ‘read’ the signs carried on the wind, buried in the soil, transformed by fire, floating on or immersed in water. Nature was their provider and teacher and was present with them and in them every moment of every day. There was an intensity and intimacy involved that we sometimes fleetingly experience in sport, when the perfect shot seems effortless and almost automatic.    

Non-verbal communication, like the burning of incense or lighting of candles, still plays a big part in religious ceremonies and rituals, but the three main religions are ‘religions of the book’, which means they are driven by the word of God contained in their respective holy book; the Torah, Bible and Koran. Although these books were written by people, each religion claims their book was dictated by God and therefore contains ‘the word of God’.

I’m not concerned here with comparing religions or holding one book higher than the others. I’m not even concerned with whether those books really do contain the word of God. The point I make is that the words contained in the books, important as they are, are just a small part of the overall communication package and I wonder whether it would really matter if we no longer had access to them, and God was again experienced as speechless. We would still have the great majority of God’s communication to guide us, and it would be the communication that is specifically aimed at us personally, since it is what we experience. We could study that communication without the sense of already knowing the truth. Much of the violence in the world occurs as a result of people being certain they already know the truth, and anything else has to be rejected and destroyed. 

The Torah, the Bible and the Koran are valuable inspirational books that contain the spiritual experiences of many of our ancestors, expressed in the words available to them and guided by their knowledge of the make-up of the universe. We certainly need the accumulated knowledge of past generations about our relationship to each other and to God. But unfortunately those words are now being interpreted by people who have not had the same experiences. We are no smarter than our distant ancestors, but our knowledge and experience is different and so our interpretation is different. However, God doesn’t change as our knowledge or understanding changes. God’s communication is still through the world around us and in us and is available to refer to whenever there is doubt about ‘the truth’ of what our ancestors recorded. The disaster is that so many people are intent on changing or destroying the environment God communicates through and we are left with less and less to study in its natural state. We would be better off working to understand it and cooperate with it instead of seeing it as something to conquer and change.

Disregarding the non-verbals makes communication as accurate as trying to picture what someone looks like from listening to their voice. People who disregard the environment as part of God’s communication not only miss out on the majority of God’s actual communication, but also miss out on using the main way we have of expressing our beliefs and values to God.

My dream is for all people to look at ‘the word’ in the context of the non-verbals formed by the whole of creation. Ideally, that would result in us seeing the environment as the interface between ourselves and God and therefore alter the way we treat that interface.

Imaginings, dreams and ‘what ifs’ are usually about impossible or highly unlikely events, like winning Tattslotto, but they are also little rays of hope for the future, and my ray of hope is that the religions will one day discover that the Torah, Bible and Koran all contain part of the truth that will emerge if we continue to verify it against the non-verbal communication from a God choosing to remain silent.

Photo: Butterfly garden, Malaysia.