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ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAST IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS A BETTER FUTURE.

10/6/2015

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A better future begins by coming to terms with the past, because nothing can change the past that made today how it is. No amount of worry, regret, anger or anxiety can change the past or the present. Those responses generally lead to frustration and bad decisions. What has happened has happened, and we have to deal with it so we can more clearly plan for a better future.

Accepting the present for being what it is doesn’t mean we submit to it. We can do a great deal to shape the future, by deciding what sort of person we want to be and what we want to do. That means looking at the situation and deciding what needs to change so we move closer to gaining our goals. Maybe some relationships need to change in some way, or be left behind. 

Although the present is how it is, today is also the beginning of the future and, therefore, each moment can be seen as an opportunity to influence what the future will be like.

Accepting the present includes accepting that we are what we are because of our background and life experiences. What we were born as, and the cultural influences we grew up in, shaped our beliefs and values. Accepting people as they are now doesn’t mean we agree with, or approve of, their beliefs, values or actions. And accepting that people are as they are doesn’t mean we can’t influence them to be different in the future.

The fact is that we only have the present moment to work with. In good relationships, this simplifies life because it means all we have to do is act responsibly right now, and let the future unfold as it will. People in unhappy, or violent, relationships need to realise we cannot change other people. But, by changing what we normally do, we can influence what others do. That might mean responding calmly and politely instead of getting angry, or it might mean calling the police instead of hiding the bruises from others. When the bottom line is that something has to change; you need to accept that you cannot make other people change, so you have to do something differently.

If we know that someone becomes aggressive when threatened, and we deliberately threaten that person, we have to expect them to become aggressive. Sure it’s their choice but we are partly to blame for that aggression. The person may admit they need to change their behaviour but real change requires a change in beliefs, values or feelings. Change might also require new skills, opportunities and encouragement. However, unless the person wants to change for some reason; it won’t happen.

While someone is under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or lust, it’ no good trying to talk about change; they somehow need to be separated from that influence. And if a person continually gets what they want by using the aggressive ways they learned in childhood, it’s doubtful they will be keen to talk about changing. They need to experience situations where aggression fails them, so they need another way to get what they want. That is when learning new skills could lead to them experiencing a sense of belonging between people sharing and communicating as equals.

Our relationships are what they are but changing how we treat others changes the way they respond. The choice is whether we want to harm our relationships or strengthen them. Attempting to dominate or control others, harms relationships. Seeking to have power with others to solve problems, strengthens relationships.


By Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

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ZONES CREATED AROUND BELIEFS AND VALUES MAY BECOME PRISONS WE CAN’T ESCAPE FROM.

30/4/2015

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When my wife and I are on holidays we sometimes visit the local cemetery to learn something of a town’s history. One cemetery that we visited in rural New South Wales was a little different. It was divided into three separately fenced zones with about a hundred feet of clear land between each zone. On reading the inscriptions, it soon became apparent that it was divided according to religion. The fences around the zones would not be to keep people in or out, so they must have been to emphasise a separation that probably reflected social problems in the town’s history.

Childhood memories came back to me of the bad feeling between Protestants and Catholics that was common in the mid 2oth century and had only fairly recently eased. There were many zones that we Catholics didn’t dare enter, such as Protestant church services. Even hymns were zoned as Protestant or Catholic and we were forbidden to sing Protestant hymns. Fortunately, most of that has now disappeared and the various Christian denominations even hold joint services.

Creating zones and erecting fences around them may be justified for protecting private property and marking out boundaries of ownership or responsibility but, in regard to beliefs and values, defensiveness is a sign of not being open to change. The harder we defend beliefs and values, the higher the fence gets, and the harder it is for us to escape from the prison we create.

We should be able to explain why we hold those beliefs and values and steadfastly hold onto them, because they guide us in making decisions in life. But all things change, and none of us is perfect, so we should be open to modifying or changing our beliefs and values when we are presented with a compelling, more plausible explanation. That doesn’t necessarily lead to changing religions; it usually results in a richer understanding, and appreciation, of religion in general; as well as creating a bigger zone, uniting more people.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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YOUNG PEOPLE NEED OUR HELP TO SOLVE INEQUALITY, CLIMATE CHANGE AND OVERPOPULATION.

29/4/2015

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A study in the US involving over 36,000 young people identified the protective factors against acting out and self-harming behaviour. It found that caring relationships between young people and adults were most important, as were spiritual and religious connections. In other words, belonging and being valued is important for keeping kids safe.   

 The emphasis for adults must be on encouraging young people to gain the skills, knowledge and opportunity to contribute to their communities so they gain a sense of belonging. The ideal would be for the whole community to take responsibility for raising children, to the extent that every young person who drops out of school, or ends up in goal, or becomes a drug addict, self-harms or commits suicide is seen as a sign of the community’s social systems failing to meet the needs of its children.

Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett, authors of The Spirit Level: Why More Equal Societies Almost Always Do Better, present a strong argument connecting inequality with all types of social illnesses. They wrote (p11); “(This is) the first generation to have to find new answers to the question of how we can make further improvements to the real quality of human life”.

The argument is that basing progress on growth may have been justified in the past, but young people in the 21st century must find a new base to guide development. The two main problems to be faced – climate change and over-population – are directly linked to basing progress on growth. We are fast approaching the point of experiencing the logical outcome of that way of thinking.

The cooperation of all the nations of the world is needed for global problems to be solved, and that level of cooperation will only be attained through the people in each country feeling the security and confidence that comes with the sense of living in societies based on equality. This can be achieved by young people making the transition to thinking in terms of seeking power with other people.

The good news is that each country can retain a different level of income because the social problems caused by inequality result from unfairness within a society, not between societies.  And unfairness is about much more than income. Having a sense of belonging and a sense of contributing to the community brings a sense of being valued. Meaningful employment is essential for encouraging young people to gain their sense of self-worth from contributing rather than from competing, and this is the attitude needed for solving global problems.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

 


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XENOPHOBIA AFFECTS ALL OF US BUT IS DIFFERENT TO RACISM AND STRANGER DANGER.

28/4/2015

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Xenophobia is the fear or hatred of foreign persons or things. As such, it is arguably the most common phobia because it affects us all. We are all a little afraid of things that are strange, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. We quite rightly teach our kids about ‘stranger danger’ and it seems reasonable to be cautious about being too trusting of people we don’t know.

There is a long list of known phobias. I fear standing at the top of a cliff looking down, and I fear spiders. Those two are probably phobias but many other things that I fear are necessary to avoid injury or ill health. Fear is a necessary motivator to keep us safe by alerting us to possible danger. These are not phobias.  A phobia is indicated when even the thought of being near something triggers the fear that may lead to a panic attack and unreasonable reactions.

Xenophobia is different to racism. Racism may target a particular race of people whereas xenophobia’s fear or hatred of all strange or unfamiliar people or things, can result in the target being within one’s own culture.

Fear and hatred of other religions is a common form of xenophobia and seems to exist to some extent all over the world. Extremists in various religions target not only other religions but may target people in their own religion who have a different interpretation to their own.

The core teachings of all the major religions are not only compatible; they are so similar that, unless the source is noted, it is often difficult to tell which text is from which religion. The teaching that ‘all people are equal’ is basic in all the major religions and this makes it difficult to understand why there is so much xenophobic behaviour between religions.

Like all phobias, the hatred factor of xenophobia reduces as the fear reduces, and the fear reduces from being exposed to the feared person, or thing, without experiencing any harm. After more exposure, there may even be some pleasant feelings and the beginning of a sense of trust that nothing terrible is going to happen by being near this person or thing. Theoretically, xenophobia can be remedied through education and the controlled safe exposure, to each other, of all the groups that make up the community.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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WHY IS IT WRONG?

27/4/2015

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A child discovering the word, ‘Why’ begins an annoying stage of parenting. ‘Why not’? ‘But why is it wrong’?  

Even very young children respond well to simple, logical answers that make sense to them, and they might keep asking until they get such an answer. ‘Because it’s a rule’, or the old favourite, ‘because I said so’, are not good enough answers.

Very often, the reason we find it so annoying is that we don’t know why. We may not have thought about it, or it was never explained to us. Much of what we do is a custom or tradition that has been handed down from generation to generation, or we just do it because it’s ‘the law’. Most customs and traditions probably started as a rule or law based on a good reason but that reason may no longer apply. Things change.

Wrongness is not about breaking a rule or breaking the law. Wrongness is about deliberately causing harm, failing to remedy harm, or allowing harm to continue. Rules and laws are – or should be - made to avoid or reduce harm occurring and, if that were the case, it would be easy to explain to kids why an action is wrong, simply by pointing out how it is unsafe or unfair. However, fairness depends on each individual point of view because it is the graduated grey area between the white of equality and the darkness of inequality.

Breaking an out-dated tradition or custom has no harmful effect on anyone or anything but may be dangerous because of the response from people who believe the custom or tradition is part of God’s law. Breaking an unjust law can be justified as righting a wrong but, again, it can result in a harmful response from those who benefit from the unjust law.

Traditions and customs are like age, gender, nationality, and club-membership; all are great for providing people with a sense of belonging. But all of these should be subject to the principle; ‘all people are equal’. For example, I am an accidental white, male, Australian, Christian, Catholic, but first and foremost I am human. Wrongness creeps in when differences between groups are used to judge one as being superior to the others.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

 


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VIOLENCE.

25/4/2015

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When asked to give examples of violence, most people refer to the physical harm caused by bashings, guns, knives and bottles. However, the great majority of violence in everyday life is emotional violence, delivered personally or increasingly via cyberspace: hurtful rumours, putdowns, insults, and the like. The effects of emotional violence can be devastating and sometimes leads to suicide.

There are many, sometimes complicated, definitions of violence. In keeping with equality, I prefer the simplicity of, ‘Violence is any behaviour that harms or weakens the quality of relationships.’

Systemic violence can exist in a wealthy economy when a law or set of laws ensure certain groups continue to live in poverty. Violence can be part of any system, such as family, community or nation, if the rules favour one person or group of people at the expense of others.

Many people are kept in a different kind of poverty by our culture and are described as being ‘time poor.’ They look for books that supply quick, ready-made solutions to problems. They are too busy to spend time reflecting on beliefs and values and just want to know how to quickly fix a problem so they can get on with other things. A social researcher, Bernard Salt, refers to these people as Nettels, which means Never Enough Time To Enjoy Life. A Nettel leads a hectic and stressful lifestyle and feels there is no choice. That’s how life is and there is no way to go back to the simpler life of past generations.

However, there is always a choice. We can continue as a nettel, or we can spend a little time reflecting on the ideas presented in this A to Z series, many of which can save us a lot of time in the long run. Madly trying to keep up the pace of today’s world is approving of the inequalities causing so much of the unhappiness and conflict harming relationships. This is a form of violence called ‘cultural violence’.

We can Take Enough Time To Evaluate Life. It takes time and it takes effort, but setting aside a little time to reflect on what is really important in life saves a great deal of time and stress in the long term.

Researchers Pickett and Lynch describe good mental health as coming from what a person does rather than from what he has. A mentally healthy person accepts himself as he is. He can look after himself, and judges his worth as a person against realistic standards, rather than against the almost impossible standards advertisers and others try to push onto him.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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UNDERSTANDING.

24/4/2015

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Understanding the difference between punishment and consequences is crucial for maintaining equality in human relationships.

Punishment is imposed suffering of some kind. The imposed suffering may be physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual or economic.

A consequence is the effect an action has on oneself, others, or the environment. Every action has a fairness or safety consequence that may be immediate or may be delayed.

Any imposed ‘consequence’ is a punishment in disguise and is likely to be responded to as a punishment.

Understanding this difference is particularly important for parents, teachers, employers, and all other authority figures.  The difference may initially be difficult to understand, but the benefit for authority figures is a reduction in stress as they meet their responsibilities. The benefit for all relationships comes from understanding how to avoid conflict; by opening up a wide range of alternatives to punishment.

The consequence of harmful behaviour is the harm it causes, plus the fact that there will be a response of some kind.  However, how people respond is their choice and is not directly controlled by the harmful act. The form of the response from people is not a consequence of the action. The consequence of breaking an agreement may involve the loss of benefits from the agreement, but that is self-imposed by the one who broke the agreement.  Any added imposed action is punishment and may be called revenge. Punishment and revenge are similar, which is why punishment very often stirs up feelings of resentment and anger; distracting attention away from the effects of the action.

 Since people naturally avoid suffering, they avoid punishment. And, because it is imposed suffering, they may be inclined to avoid the one who imposed the suffering.

Punishment only happens if someone gets caught and therefore the punishment may be seen as a consequence of being caught. We learn from consequences, not from punishment and, therefore, we learn to avoid getting caught,

Punishment is not really a consequence of getting caught because it still requires someone to decide to impose the punishment. The decision could be made to simply ignore the harm done or to give a warning only.

The most useful aspect of punishment is that it can become a consequence, but only when it is self-imposed as a sign of true remorse, along with an attempt to ‘put things right’. This is an important part of ‘taking restorative action’.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happoness.


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TRUST.

23/4/2015

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Establishing trust is the first step towards a good-quality relationship and is the first thing to establish when trying to influence people and repair a damaged relationship. Gaining trust means showing respect and removing all threats, except those from natural consequences.

People stay in bad relationships for many reasons, one of which is fear. And trust diminishes as fear increases. Therefore, it is important to reduce whatever causes fear.

Manners play a big part in getting people to trust you because of the role manners play in establishing equality in relationships. And this usually produces feelings of being safe and secure, believing that one’s needs will be met, or at least acknowledged and respected.

Sometimes trust has to be earned but is often freely given. Trust that is betrayed can be very difficult to win back. And even if the betrayal of trust has been forgiven, it doesn’t necessarily include forgetting, so the betrayal of trust may put a limit on the level of trust shown after forgiveness.

When trust has been damaged, a person may believe no one can be trusted and could then give a hard time to anyone who tries to get close. If so, it helps if we understand love’s power to gain trust by absorbing any abusive behaviour coming from that damage; that means taking what is dished out and channel it away, without retaliating.

A good deal of acting out behaviour by people is the result of frustration and anger. Either the world isn’t how they want it to be, or they feel they don’t measure up to what the world expects from them. Sometimes the acting out keeps going until it becomes a ‘normal pattern’ and is very difficult to change if the person doesn’t trust anyone enough to talk about it. Establishing trust can slowly break down the built up anger and resentment.

Trust is the starting point for change, and it is never too late to reach out to help people who want to change. We can begin by showing respect through the use of manners and encouraging cooperation by being open and honest in what we say.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness. 

 


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SELF-WORTH.

22/4/2015

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Self-worth basically refers to the value you place on yourself, and is expressed by how you treat yourself and other people. My self-worth is my judgment of what I am worth, but what do I judge that value against? To the universe, all people are of equal value. And that covers everything except my value to other people and the social systems they invented.

After much thought I realised that the universe’s view of everyone being equal should be the base that guides how I judge my value in daily life. Using the usual human way of judging my worth means I have to compete with others to make myself important to other people and the social systems. That is difficult to do because it means working hard to become better than others at something, maybe even get my name into the Guinness Book of Records. It might mean becoming a leader in some field so that people regard me as a celebrity, or role model. The competitive way of judging self-worth divides people while producing more losers than winners; which is just the nature of competition. That is why gaining self-worth from being better than other people, and maybe pushing them down sometimes to make sure I am superior, doesn’t fit in with the idea of equality.

If I am capable of gaining much more in the way of wealth, power, skills or knowledge, than other people, would believing in equality prevent me from that level of achievement? Believing in equality doesn’t stifle achievement, it encourages achievement, while guiding how we achieve and why.

Equality gives a sense of importance from what we contribute to advance society, or individuals, rather than what we take from society to boost our own standing. But the fact is that, before we can contribute, we must first gain the skills, knowledge, understanding, wealth, or power to share with others. So, striving for all those things doesn’t necessarily go against the idea of equality. It guides how we achieve our goals and what we do with what we achieve.

Achievement guided by equality is the human version of Darwin’s theory about the survival of the fittest. In regard to humans, the theory is better thought of as ‘the survival of the most adaptable’, and it gives hope that the human race will survive if it chooses to base its future development on the equality of all people.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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RESPONSIBILITY.

21/4/2015

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I take no responsibility for being an accidental white, male, Australian, Christian, Catholic, and I take no responsibility for the beliefs, values, traditions and expectations each of those labels dumped on me. In addition, I take no responsibility for being born into a society that is highly competitive and obsessed with sport and individualism; heaping more beliefs, values and expectations on me as I grew up. Since I had no choice about any of that, I should not be blamed for being a white, male Australian, Christian, Catholic.

As an adult, I came to realise that one thing was consistent through life; we should not be held responsible for anything we have no control over, and any punishment that we receive, such as insults and bullying, because of the labels we inherited, is totally unjust and adds to the wrongness of racism, bigotry and so on. This unjustness is partly why racism, religious bigotry and so forth elicit such a strong reaction from people, and can lead to extreme violence. 

I am grateful for a great deal of what I was taught as a child. I still consider much of it to be true and will continue to be guided by it, as I have for my whole life. However, I had no choice about any false beliefs, values, biases and rubbish that was mixed in with the good stuff drummed into my brain by the adults around me, as I grew up.

The most difficult responsibility of adults is to sort through all the above and decide what is true and what is not, especially in things that tend to divide people, like religion and politics. For example, various religions claim to be the only true religion. Obviously they can’t all be right so maybe there is no ‘one true religion’. 

We are all equal in that we are not responsible for what we inherited, and what we were taught. We should only be held responsible for what we have some control over, and the only thing in life we can control is our own actions. Regardless of nationality, gender, colour, religion and so on, we all learn what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable by the consequences of what we do and by the reactions of other people. That means we are responsible for the effect our actions have on ourselves, other people, and the environment. When our actions are guided by doing no harm, or by being beneficial, to ourselves, others, and the environment, we are acting responsibly. Of course, 'being responsible' includes learning from the outcome of our actions.

Bob Myers, author of Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.


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    Author

    Bob Myers owned and operated an electronics sales and service business before gaining a degree in sociology and further training in relationship counselling, conflict resolution and mediation. He worked in that field for more than thirty years, mainly with teenagers and their families. For 16 years he was the director of a non-government residential facility for teenagers. He is the author of three books on parenting as well as :
    Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

    Bob is dedicated to nonviolence as a way of life; a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA); and a PeBA nonviolence facilitator.

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Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness is an ebook that helps you learn more about family peace, conflict resolution, self development, relationship building and more.
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