Everything we do is to either gain something we think is helpful or to avoid something we think is harmful. A person either runs towards something or away from something. So if we want to sell something we have to convince a customer of the benefits to gain from buying or the bad things that will happen if they don’t buy. This ‘carrot or stick’ motivation is also used in attempting to change people’s beliefs or values.
We acquired most of our beliefs and values from other people during our childhood. This was a mixture of what they were taught in their childhood and whatever changes they made to suit their needs. All of this was what other people found helpful or harmful for them but times have changed and we have to look to the future in a very different world.
Like every other person before us, we face the conflict between our need to belong and our need to be an individual, but there are compelling reasons why we should change how we judge our self worth and self confidence as we face the problems of this century. By changing with the times, we stand to gain a resolution of our inner conflict and have happier relationships with other people. We could also avoid the inevitable disastrous consequences of an economic system based on continuous growth. We could do our bit to have a base of sustainable development adopted. Sustainable development: not sustainable growth.
We could judge everything by its effect on sustainability and by that I mean maintaining a balance of three equally important things: a sustainable population level; a sustainable use of resources; and an economic system based on a smarter use of resources. Development is an important human need but it should result from a smarter use of resources while maintaining a steady economy and population level. Global cooperation is essential for establishing effective sustainable development and that means we need to treat the people of all nations as equals.
Instead of going along with our society’s adversarial competitiveness, this new base for judging our self esteem, self confidence and importance would be our level of skills, knowledge and performance in regard to sustainable development. And our cooperation with others to achieve this would bring a sense of belonging and dynamic peace to our relationship with people and with the environment.
Bob Myers.
It’s true that we are born with the need to be an individual and the conflicting need to belong, not only to belong to other people but to nature and the cosmos (or God). We are also born with incredible potential to satisfy these conflicting needs and enjoy peace and happiness. Each of us arrives in this world with the potential of the full range of human characteristics, traits, virtues or whatever else you want to call them. We have the potential to be whatever it is possible for a human person to be and to maybe surpass the achievements, positive or negative, of any person who has lived before us.
Which of our characteristics or traits are encouraged or restricted is determined by the culture we are born into, and by the beliefs and values of the people around us, especially our carers and teachers, who experienced the same process. And although they loved and cared for us, and wanted us to feel we belong in a spiritual way, the social structures of our culture strongly encourage the opposite. Our economic system is competitive and so is the majority of our recreational activity. Our parliamentary and legal systems are adversarial and emphasise the fear of punishment for maintaining social order; these systems only succeed in perpetuating the desire to dominate rather than belong.
To a large extent, our culture encourages the characteristics or traits that cause us to judge our self esteem and self confidence by comparing ourselves against the wealth, possessions, power, knowledge and skills of other people. Winning, status and image is portrayed as giving us importance and happiness. This is false because the balance between the need to belong and the need to be an individual is upset when one person’s gain in self esteem is another person’s loss. All the violence in the world stems from our failure to set up social systems with values and beliefs that maintain a balance between the need to belong and the need for individuality.
There is no happiness without peace; no peace without justice; and no justice without equality. Difference doesn’t disappear with equality. It’s possible to have importance and equality. It’s possible to have authority and equality. By changing what we base our sense of importance on, we can also change our sense of belonging and bring the two into balance.
Bob Myers.
Whether the setting is the home, workplace or community, the single most important thing affecting our happiness and peace of mind is how we resolve the life-long conflict between two deep human needs: the need to belong and the need to be an individual. This conflict affects the aims and achievements of every person in our groups and every relationship we have. It is an inner conflict as well as a social conflict and each affects the other.
We first experience this conflict between satisfying our own needs and considering the needs of others around the age of two as we begin to discover our place in the family group. The level of self esteem we develop at that age and the way we judge our worth in regard to other people sets the stage for the next crisis period in our human struggle. That crisis period occurs at teenage as we break away from the control of our parents and face the give and take of fitting into the wider community. But the basic struggle continues throughout life and affects all our relationships with other people. Therefore it’s important to understand how to use conflict to strengthen relationships.
Peace of mind and a sense of satisfaction in relationships result from striking a balance between these two needs. Not from giving or from gaining, but from a balance of the two. The further we stray from that balance, in either direction, the more stressed the relationship becomes. Regardless of whether we call it balance, justice or equality, it’s necessary for peace and happiness in relationships involving two people or a million people. In practice, the balance is better described as an average rather than a constant. It could even be thought of as dynamic because of rapid variations but the important thing is that the people involved have a sense that there is balance between their need to belong and their need to be an individual. People in such relationships stand tall as individuals who belong. And for many, that extends to include their relationship with nature and the cosmos.
Bob Myers.
In our world, money, or profit, is referred to as ‘the bottom line’.
A few years ago I decided to convene a meeting of four people I considered to be great role models and teachers. I invited a Hindu named Gandhi, a Muslim named Mohammad, an atheist named Einstein and a Jew named Yoshu, better known today as Jesus. Since they are all long dead, getting them together was no easy task and required a lot of imagination and careful research.
The purpose of the meeting was for these very learned men to share their ideas and opinions to determine what the real bottom line is in regard to life in general, so we have something clear to use for making laws that govern human behaviour.
As the convenor of the meeting, I made the rather empty threat that there would be no food or drinks until they found a common thread in their teachings and agreed on a statement that was easy for people to understand. Research indicated they could do this because all four men had a deep respect for each other’s views and a genuine concern for people in general.
They got along very well and found that, apart from some very different terminology, they agreed on most things. The main sticking point was whether intelligence pre-existed matter or evolved. Anyhow, the statement they came up with was:
“The fundamental principle to live by, in general, is a complete and utter commitment to seeking the truth to guide your every word and action and, by doing that, all laws would be based on the social truth of all people being equal.”
However, they added a warning that although most people would agree about all people being equal, they might kill you for saying it should be the bottom line.
Bob Myers.
People spend millions of dollars on what often turns out to be a fruitless search for some form of peace and happiness. The sad news is that most just waste their money because they can’t recognise peace and happiness when they find it. So they just pass it by. Part of the reason is because we think of peace as being something calm and tranquil. We don’t think of finding peace in the midst of a heated argument. Nor do we think of finding happiness in a catastrophe if we think of happiness as being a constant state of euphoria. Constant tranquillity and constant euphoria might sound like a promise of heaven but it certainly isn’t life.
The best we seem to be able to manage in life is to experience short periods of tranquillity or feelings of euphoria that pass too quickly. Most are just fleeting moments that become wonderful memories we carry with us for the rest of our lives. However, we can do better. We can have both peace of mind and a sense of harmony as normal parts of daily life, even in the midst of turmoil and sadness, if we are realistic and aim for dynamic peace and happiness.
The word dynamic means vibrant, lively, energetic and surprising. Dynamic peace immediately becomes more appealing and exciting than constant tranquillity over the long term. Therefore, peace and happiness can vary without being lost, because it is really based on something deeper than the fluctuations and disturbances appearing on the surface. Large fluctuations can occur without destroying the overall sense of stability within human relationships when the people involved follow the guidelines that transform conflict into creative conflict. They can learn from nature and experience harmony in disputes.
Four themes run through the material on the Harmony in Dispute website and I will explore these in future blogs. Using these four themes as the framework was inspired by the work of Brendan McKeague, lead trainer with Pace e Bene Australia.
1. Exploring our relationship to other people; to the environment and to the cosmos
(or God, by whatever name).
Included under this heading are things like identity, self esteem, self confidence and
morals, as well as beliefs and values regarding authority (ours and theirs).
2. The ways in which our culture affects how we relate to each other.
Included under this heading are things like love, sexism, racism, social status,
structural and systemic inequality and discrimination.
3. Where and how to regain spiritual and emotional strength when life gets tough.
Included under this heading are the myriad of ‘self esteem service stations’ people
use to lift their spirits, ranging from religious practices to secular activities such as
shopping and sport.
4. Exploring new and better ways to enhance problem solving and conflict resolution skills.
Included under this heading are various sets of conflict resolution methods and
guidelines, as well as the teachings of Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Dorothy Day,
and various religious figures.
Bob Myers.
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